God is Natasha from Cycle 8 of ANTM (Deuteronomy 1-3)

I am always hopeful turning the page to read a new chapter of the Bible. “Maybe something exciting or erotic will happen in this chapter,” I say to myself. But I am disappointed once again, much like white trash who buy lottery tickets every single week. The first three chapters of Deutoronomy are dull and serve only to recap the forty years in the wilderness that Moses and his people have been wandering at the beck and call of their flippant deity, God.

One description of their trials and tribulations cracked me up: “Then the Amorites who lived in that hill country came out against you and chased you as bees do…” (Deu 1:44). I have never been chased by bees but I imagine that it’s terrifying. You probably can’t run in a straight line because you’re running with your arms madly flapping all over the place. Remember how Macaulay Culkin’s character died in My Girl? The bees got him. The movie never showed what happend after he knocked down that bee’s nest (idiot) but they should have. It would have been instructive for its younger audience to see that.

God has an interesting way of glossing over things. Check this out: “For the Lord your God has blessed you in all the work of your hands; he knows your going through the great wilderness; these forty years the Lord your God has been with you; you have lacked nothing” (Deu 2:7). Oh, really? I seem to remember some Hebrews getting pretty vocal about the fact that they had no water a while back. Moses had to do that magic trick where he smacks a rod (you could just as easily call it a wand, Christian fundamentalists) and makes water come out of a rock. God was witholding. Not inessentials, like fancy face creams, but water.

God reminds me of this famously dumb, crazy Russian girl from Cycle 8 of America’s Next Top Model named Natasha. She had an amazing way of taking criticism and turning it into praise. She was faultless in her own eyes. Sometimes it’s good to be dumb.

Published in: on March 9, 2011 at 9:28 pm  Comments (1)  
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  1. […] God is Natasha from Cycle 8 of ANTM (Deuteronomy 1-3) « Atheist … […]

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