You Can’t Get Raped in a City (Deuteronomy 22)

You know who would enjoy reading Deuteronomy 22? Feminists. Here’s why:

If you’re a virgin who is engaged and you’re raped then you and your rapist both get stoned to death. He gets stoned because he raped you and you get stoned because “[you] did not cry for help though [you] were in the city” (Deu 22:24). Who said you didn’t cry for help? The assumption here is that if you’re in a populated area and nobody hears or helps you it’s because you weren’t shouting loud enough and probably wanted it in the first place. Maybe you were yelling rape instead of “fire” or “sale” or better yet, “fire sale”.

If you’re a virgin who is engaged and you’re raped in the “open country” then only your rapist gets stoned to death. Fingers crossed you’re raped in rural Oklahoma.

If you’re a virgin and your husband has sex with you and is unsure afterward that you’re a virgin (wide pelvis?) then you and your parents have to get your “tokens of virginity” aka bloody bedsheets, round up the elders and show the bloody bedsheets to them at the edge of the city. Gross. Probably not something you want to do at a Chili’s. If your bloody bedsheets are convincing then your husband gets whipped and you’re off to a great start to your marriage.

Deuteronomy also has some non-rape-related ridiculous rules. For example, you can’t wear “mingled stuff,” like poly-cotton blends or anything sold at the store Preloved. You also can’t sow your vineyard with two different types of seed or plow your fields with two different types of animals. You can’t watch your brother’s animals run away and do nothing, even if they’re foaming at the mouth and even if your brother happens to be a jerk. You can’t take a nest with both the mother bird and the baby birds (monster!) but you can just take the baby birds (“Not without my daughter”).

The best part of the trailer below is when the voiceover goes, “He lied…”.

Published in: on March 19, 2011 at 6:33 pm  Leave a Comment  
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