Poop (Deuteronomy 23)

There are just so many things to be ashamed of.

Next on the list: pooping.

Here we go: “You shall have a place outside the camp and you shall go out to it; and you shall have a stick with your weapons; and when you sit down outside, you shall dig a hole with it, and turn back and cover up your excrement” (Deu 23:13).

The reasoning here is that because “the Lord walks in your midst,” it follows that you literally cannot soil your home and are under strict obligation to keep it poop-free so he doesn’t step in it. This is before the advent of indoor plumbing, of course.

Moving on, I’m not sure what “the assembly of the Lord” is but I’ll assume that it stands in for “church”. Okay, so you can’t go to church if you’re a man and have crushed testicles or your ding-dong cut off. “He whose testicles are crushed or whose male member is cut off shall not enter the assembly of the Lord” (Deu 23:1). My question is: who’s going to know?

Something I liked in Deuteronomy 23 was that the Bible permits you to go into your neighbour’s vineyard and eat as many grapes as you want. I might consider this stealing but then again, what’s a few grapes between neighbours? This ought to apply to all fruits. I have a delightful memory when I was a child of sitting by the chain-link fence that separated my parents’ yard from our neighbours’ and reaching through to eat the raspberries that they grew. I cleaned that thing. Then I would wait a few days until the green ones ripened and clean it again. They probably thought crows did it but it was just my chubby nine-year-old self, perpetually frustrated by small dinner and dessert portions.

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Published in: on March 21, 2011 at 12:31 am  Comments (1)  
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  1. I’ve always wondered about Deuteronomy 23:1. You see, my testicles were “crushed” and had to be removed. Asking an xtian to explain what being ball-less has to with anything gets one nowhere. Most, haven’t even heard of this passage.


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