Inanimate Objects Can’t Hear (Joshua 23-24)

The final two chapters of Joshua consist of God making a big show about how he finally delivered on all the land he promised the Israelites. This is kind of like a deadbeat dad who was absent from ages six to eleven showing up on a kid’s twelfth birthday with an Xbox and acting like a hero for remembering to bring a gift. Lame.

Of course, God goes on and on about the importance of  keeping his covenant. I think it’s important to point out that God does not want the Iraelites to marry outside themselves: “Take good heed to yourselves, therefore, to love the Lord your God. For if you turn back, and join the remnant of these nations left here among you, and make marriages with them, so that you marry their women and they yours, know assuredly that the Lord your God will not continue to drive out these nations before you: but they shall be a snare and a trap for you, a scrourge on your sides, and thorns in your eyes, till you perish from off this good land which the Lord your God has given you” (Jos 23:12-13). So much for beautiful interracial babies. Were would I have been without David Usher and the music of Moist in the mid-nineties. How would I have processed my grade eight angst?

Following protocol, Joshua passes the hundred year mark (thanks primarily to miso soup) and decides to die. Good for him. Before he kicks it, he reaffirms his people’s covenant with God and employs a stone as a witness. This is a good indication that he’s on his last leg; stones can’t see because they’re inanimate objects. This is even worse than crazy old ladies who talk to their Pomeranians like they’re people (such as my Nana, who took hers to basketball-like dimensions by feeding it tea and shortbread biscuits on a daily basis – R.I.P Nana and Susie). The Israelites buried Joshua just north of the mountain of Gaash. Gaash is a better name for a valley.

A reasonable likeness to Susie.

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Published in: on May 3, 2011 at 12:22 am  Leave a Comment  
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