What I Wish I Learned in Girl Guides (Judges 4-5)

I only went to Girl Guides once. I think I was eleven. I told my mother I wouldn’t go back because the uniform was unbecoming and braids didn’t suit me. Furthermore, I knew that if I was put in the position to push boxes of cookies that I would likely eat the vast majority of them and have to cough up the money out of my scant allowance. This could not happen since I was hoping to save enough for a hypercolour t-shirt.

In Judges 4, the Israelites do something unspecified to anger God so he delivers them into the hands of Jabin, king of Canaan, who was famous for having nine hundreds chariots of iron.

On another almost completely unrelated note, I have a client that I lovingly call “Chariots of Ire” (a play on her name). She’s a curmudgeonly old lady in her mid-seventies who has reached that glorious stage in life in which she just doesn’t care. One day she showed up to the gym without her gym clothes. Despite my protests, she insisted on taking off her pants and working out in her pantyhose and underwear (a very sensible pair of Hanes, would have been my guess). Insisted. That was an interesting hour. As I was told, it was “nothing you haven’t seen before”.

Anyways, the Israelites are unhappy with their situation so they consult Deborah, a prophetess who prophesizes under a tree also named Deborah, which is weird. She tells them that God will protect them if they challenge Sisera, the general of Jabin’s army. And they do. They win depsite the chariots of iron and Sisera flees. He finds himself at the abode of an Israelite woman named Jael who tells him that he can take refuge in her tent. She even gives him some milk to drink. Then do you know what she does? She takes a tent peg and drives it through his temple. That takes a lot of strength and precision. This woman would be good to take camping.

In Judges 5, Deborah sings a long, boring and very literal song about these events which I imagine would sound like something done by Jane Siberry or Tori Amos.

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Published in: on May 8, 2011 at 12:12 am  Comments (1)  
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  1. I laughed out loud at this. I actually quite like Tori Amos, but the observation in that last sentence still rings quite true!
    Also, love the tangent “chariots of ire” story…
    I am quite intrigued at the violence and hypocrisy that seems rank in the pages of the old testament…I never noticed half this stuff when I read it as a kid. Did I read the abridged version???


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