Dance, Monkey, Dance (Judges 7-8)

Gideon is all set to take his people into battle with the Midianites. But there’s a hitch: there’s just too many people for God to protect with his heavenly hand so he asks Gideon to cull the herd for him. And apparently, it’s table manners that will be the deciding factor.

Gideon directs everyone down to the river for a drink (but really it’s a test). God tells him, “Every one that laps the water with his tongue, as a dog laps, you shall set by himself; likewise every one that kneels down to drink” (Jud 7:5). I expected the opposite. God wants to save the people who lack either the brains or patience to go get a scoop or jug or something that would allow them to imbibe without doing a face-plant in the water. This is basic early hominid tool. We should be well beyond it at this point. It’s not surprising to me that God would choose these people on dance-monkey-dance terms since, looking back at the rest of the Bible up until this point, he really wants unquestioning allegiance.

Out of all the thousands of Israelites, three hundred dumbasses are God’s extra-special chosen people.

Predictably, Gideon puts down the Midianites. His army manages to get a hold of the princes of Midian, Oreb and Zeeb (who are, judging by their names, originally from the Ozarks) and beheads them. Their heads are sent express back to Gideon. Gideon himself tracks down the kings of Midian, Zebah and Zalmumna, kills them and nicks “the crescents [rolls] that were on the necks of their camels” (Jud 8:21).

Now that Gideon has supplied the Israelites with delicious crescent rolls, they unequivocally want him to be their leader (I would). He accepts because it’s a better gig than that wheat-shearing he was doing before (plucked out of obscurity – just like a Ford model). Gideon has an impressive seventy sons by a veritable stable of women who all clearly have very basic emotional needs. But when he dies, the Iraelites go back to their wayward ways and beging to worship Baal again because they have the collective memory of a goldfish. 

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Published in: on May 12, 2011 at 12:12 pm  Leave a Comment  
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