Thank Heaven for Little Girls (Judges 10-11)

It seems to me that the Israelites have a collective memory not unlike that of a goldfish (a creature that says, “Oh, look – a little castle!” every time it completes a lap in its bowl). They persist in worshipping other gods (e.g., the Baals) and are invariably surprised when God gets pissed and delivers them into the hands of other peoples.

The Israelites start sniffing around for a new leader and word on the street is that Jephthah, despite being the son of a harlot, is an excellent warrior. That he is, but he’s also a poor barterer (unlike myself, who excels travelling in countries where bartering is acceptable – the closest thrill I get here is shopping at WINNERS). Jephthah makes a deal with God that if God lets him beat the Ammonites, he’ll sacrifice “whoever comes forth from the doors of my house to meet me, when I return victorious from the Ammonites shall be the Lord’s, and I will offer him up for a burnt offering” (Jud 11:31). I don’t know where Jephthah gets off using other people’s lives as betting chips but it comes back to bite him in the ass. You probably saw this coming: the first person through the doors of his house is his daughter, his only child. In a burst of irony, she “came out to meet him, with timbrels and with dances” (Jud 11:34). Hilarious. A timbrel is like a tamborine.

His daughter begs him for a bit of time and she heads off to the mountains for two months to “bewail [her] virginity” (Jud 11:37). Not bloody likely. I’m sure she was sexin’ all over the moutains with an assortment of hirsute mountain men. Good for her. She gets sacrificed when she comes back because Jephthah, outstandingly, makes good on his word. At least she got some.

Published in: on May 21, 2011 at 1:39 am  Comments (1)  
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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. Hmmm. So THAT’S why the named those ancient intertebrates “Ammonites.” How I did wonder.

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