Why, Why, Why, Delilah? (Judges 15-16)

In Judges 15, Samson pays a visit to the [ex] wife he gave away with unrealistic expectations: “I will go in to my wife in the chamber” (Jud 15:1). Her father won’t have it and offers his younger daughter in her place. Samson reacts badly and somehow attaches lit torches to the tails of three hundred foxes that he then sends into the fields and orchards of the Philistines in order to burn them down. Samson is forced to flee after he makes an arse-onist of himself but the Philistines catch up with him and tie him to a big rock with ropes. But the “Spirit of the Lord” comes upon Samson and he busts out of his ropes as if they’re tearaway pants from 1998. He kills everyone in sight (one thousand men – impressive) with the jawbone of an ass, which he happens to see lying on the ground. This guy’s unstoppable.

But then Samson meets his match in Judges 16. In Gaza, he has sex with this woman named Delilah who is every single guy’s worst nightmare: the one-night stand who suddenly wants to know everything about your life. This bitch wants to talk. At length. In particular, she wants to know his greatest weakness (worst interview question ever). He lies to her three times but eventually she gets it out of him: it’s his hair. When he’s asleep she shaves off all his hair which, given the lack of conditioner in those times, was probably a disgusting, curly, matted mess. She must have been itching to perform this makeover for a while. In my mind there are only two types of guys who should sport long hair: androgynous Abercrombie & Finch models and Eurotrash villians on soap operas.

Once Samson’s hair is shaved he loses all his power. I felt exactly the same way when I got a terrible haircut at Magicuts when I was fourteen (how would boys notice me with a lop-sided bob?). He’s captured by the Philistines, who gouge out his eyes and make him work by grinding the mill in a prison. He calls upon the Lord so he can exact revenge which he does by pulling down a large house upon himself and a whole bunch of Philistines in a final act of strength (remember when Braveheart mustered his last ounce of energy to cry, “Freedom” right before he died… or when Maximus fatally wounded Commodus in “Gladiator” after he knew he’d been done in himself?). What a way to go.

I’ll leave you with this:

Published in: on May 23, 2011 at 6:06 pm  Comments (2)  
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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. “…he busts out of his ropes as if they’re tearaway pants from 1998.”
    What a class descrip! I was drinking a glass of water reading this and yeah, I spewed it out as I tried to choke back a laugh. Mirthful this time.

    • Thanks – I’m going through a “tearaway” phase in which I find them absolutely hilarious and can’t stop bringing them up to people.

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