Battle of the Wombs (Samuel 1-2)

The Book of Samuel starts out with a man called Elkanah who has two wives (I can see why some branches of Christianity believe that polygamy is fine and dandy; there’s plenty of endorsement of it in the Bible). One of his wives, Peninah, is quite fecund but the other, Hannah, is barren. Hannah is disheartened because the Lord has “closed her womb” (Sam 1:5) and she’s down on herself because Peninah keeps making fun of her for it (bitch). She’s driven to constant weeping and can’t eat. This is bad strategizing on Peninah’s part: if anything, women want their rivals to get pork up, don’t they?

In a moment of desperation, Hannah prays to God for a son down on her knees, moving her lips silently in prayer. A priest, Eli, thinks she’s drunk and basically tells her that she’s cut off. Her prayers work and she bears a son, Samuel who turns out to be a bit of a goody-goody. Eli’s jealous and wishes he was Samuel’s father because his sons are man-whores who keep screwing up the sacrifices. Basically, they’re supposed to burn the fat off the flesh and then offer up the flesh but they keep treating it like a barbeque and eating everything. Very gauche.

Hannah goes on to bear three more sons and two daughters. That’s a total of six children, which is an obscene number in my mind (so is one). Then again, everytime I feel myself ovulating (oh, I can feel it), I contract my abdominals forcefully and crush the egg instantly. I’ll have none of that.

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Published in: on May 31, 2011 at 2:16 am  Leave a Comment  
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