The Ultimate Cock-Block (Samuel 11-12)

I don’t know how I missed this in the last chapters but somewhere in there, David enters the picture. David, I’m pretty sure, is a significant figure in the Bible and (spoiler alert!) becomes king at some point in time. Maybe he’s even that guy from the David and Goliath story. I’m looking forward to that.

David helps the Israelites take down the Ammonites and besiege Rabbah. He’s also a Peeping Tom (this term sounds far too benign to me) and espies this hot chick named Bathsheba bath-ing herself one day. He wants her. He has to have her. But she’s got a husband named Uriah. No problem. David is a Problem Solver, too.

Since there’s a war going on, David arranges to have Uriah sent to the front lines, in the ultimate cock-blocking move. If Uriah was also a black man then we’d have at least part of the plot to Glory minus all that North/South confusion (who liked black people again?). Uriah is slain and God is not happy. 

Then this guy Nathan shows up and convinces David of the error of his ways by telling him some PETA-sponsored tale about a lamb: there was this poor man and he had a little lamb and he loved his little lamb and another rich man killed it and fed it to another man even though he really didn’t have to. If that poor man was Jodie Foster then we’d have at least part of the plot to Silence of the Lambs minus all that white meat/dark meat confusion (what is human flesh again?).

David tries to atone for his wrong-doing but God’s got it out for him and hits him where it hurts: his child. God strikes down his child – not suddently, mind you – but with an agonizing week-long illness and he dies. No biggie because he and Bathsheba have a son who they name Solomon soon after. David is a Baby Maker, too.

Oh, and he’s king of the Jews. I definitely missed that somewhere in the last chapters.

Thanks to my friend Ryan for this:

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Published in: on June 10, 2011 at 2:30 am  Leave a Comment  
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