But I Incest! (Samuel 13)

King David has a bunch of sons and I’m not sure if they all have the same Mom. Regardless, what happens next is wrong, wrong, wrong.

One of David’s sons, Amnon like-likes his beautiful sister Tamar. He doesn’t quite know what to do about it so he gets some advice from his pal Jonadab. Jonadab has the bright idea that Amnon should fake sick so that Tamar can tend to him and satisfy his fetish for carbohydrates. In Amnon’s words, “let my sister Tamar come and make a couple of cakes in my sight, that I may eat from her hand” (Sam 13:6). I totally understand how this could be sexy.

On a side note, I’m tired of seeing those statistics in women’s magazines that indicate that women prefer chocolate over sex. They bother me. How can anyone possibly answer this question with so little context? First of all, what is the brand and cocoa percentage of the chocolate? This is important. I wouldn’t trade good sex for Reeses Pieces but I would trade bad sex for Vivani 70% cocoa dark chocolate. It’s very smooth.

So Amnon pulls the “I’m so sick – please, please, please take care of me” routine and Tamar falls for it. Long story short, he rapes her. But here’s the kicker: then he gets mad at her. Bullshit. He tells his servants, “Put this woman out of my presence, and bolt the door after her” (Sam 13:17). Now she’s not even “Tamar, my sister,” she’s “this woman who just landed on my boner”.

Amnon might be a shitty brother but Absalom, one of Tamar’s other brothers, isn’t. He sticks up for her and goes chasing down Amnon when he finds out what went down. Amnon gets what was coming to him. King David hears a nasty rumour that Absalom has been on a killing spree and has killed all his other sons as well in a blind rage. He finds out that someone has been playing telephone but is still pissed at Absalom for killing Amnon and Absalom goes into hiding.

A passionate pairing: chocolate and chili. Like a tango in your mouth.

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Published in: on June 11, 2011 at 4:24 am  Leave a Comment  
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