On the Lam… of God (Samuel 14-15)

After the shenanigans of Samuel 13 (the rape, I mean), Absalom is hiding out from his father, King David, who refuses to forgive him. David’s friend Joab wants him to mend his relationship with Absalom but instead of having a simple conversation with him, he hires a “wise woman” to pretend to be a mourner and cry about her dead son or something like that. This is a prime example of men not being able to talk about stuff. The wise woman must be a shitty actress because David asks, “Did Joab put you up to this?” (maybe Joab has a reputation as a prankster, like George Clooney). No matter. David has a change of heart and sends for his son.

Apparently, Absalom is quite a hunk and is blessed with a full head of hair. On average, his hair weighs in at two hundred shekels when he gets his annual haircut (normal for biblical times, I guess). David posts Absalom at the gates to the city where his job is to inquire about the origins of outsiders passing through. His job is basically asking, “So, where ya from?” which is about half of the job requirements of most beer reps. He also adds his own flair by welcoming outsiders with a big smooch. No joke: “And whenever a man came near to do obeisance to him, he would put out his hand, and take hold of him, and kiss him. Thus Absalom did to all of Israel who came to the king for judgment; so Absalom stole the hearts of the men of Israel [italics added]” (Sam 15:5-6). What a job. Total nepotism. He’s running a kissing booth.

Four years later, Absalom gets itchy and decides to lead a revolt against his father to claim the title of king for himself. David is distraught by this betrayal and heads to the Mount of Olives for a good cry. Alone. Like a man.

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Published in: on June 12, 2011 at 2:40 am  Leave a Comment  
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