Sale at Bloomingdale’s (Samuel 19-20)

King David is moping about his dead son Absalom and his people are feeling a little neglected. It’s time to be a man already, and shove all his feelings deep down inside where they can’t openly contradict established gender norms. One of his people, a real keener named Mephibosheth, pulled a Bobby Sands by refusing to wash his feet, his clothes or trim his beard while David was away at war, thereby keeping a bizarre, unhygienic vigil. I’ve never been to a vigil before but I’ve been to my share of funerals. I’m always pleasantly surprised by how good the food is at a funeral. It’s not like a wedding, in which case my expectations for the food are high because I’ve forked over a couple hundred bucks as a gift (there better be a beef tenderloin coming my way). I’m always happy with what I’m eating at a funeral, even if there’s just a nice platter of sandwiches. I guess it’s a matter of perspective. Here are my top five funeral foods:

1. deli sandwiches on rye

2. nanaimo bars

3. deviled eggs

4. meat lasagna from M & Ms

5. cabbage rolls

Anyways, David decides that, as part of the mourning process, he’s going to lock up ten of his concubines. It reads, “…and the king took the ten concubines whom he had left to care for the house, and put them in a house under guard, and provided for them, but did not go into them. So they were shut up until the day of their death, living as if in widowhood” (Sam 20:3). Well, it’s probably better for them; less time spent having sex with some gross old man and more time for themselves to start book clubs and wine-tasting clubs.

In Samuel 20, a nasty fellow named Sheba emerges and tries to start a mutiny against David. Joab, David’s buddy, pursues Sheba and follows him into some little town. There he meets a wise woman who is sick and tired of all this war (what is it good for? absolutely nothing). He tells her that she can put an end to it if she gives up Sheba. Not only does she do that but she rallies up some other wise women and they tear his head off and chuck it to Joab over the town wall. Nice, ladies.


Published in: on June 16, 2011 at 6:26 pm  Leave a Comment  
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