Goon Town (Kings 2)

When the time comes for King David to finally kick the bucket, he summons Solomon his son and gives him a long, boring, cliched speech that’s basically about “being a man”. In David’s mind, “being a man” means getting revenge and lots of it. He wants Joab killed for misdeeds during wartime: “Moreover you know also what Joab the son of Zeruiah did to me… avenging in time of peace blood which had been shed in war, and putting innocent blood upon the girdle about my loins” (Kin 2:5). Hmm. Sounds like he’s wearing an old-fashioned sanitary napkin here – the kinds with the belts.

No buckles? Bonus!

Anyways, as Solomon goes on a mission to hunt down the people who have minorly or majorly pissed off his father, Adonijah shows up asking for a wife. He can’t be king so I guess he figures he should at the very least get a hot wife; in the form of woman named Abishag, specifically. It would be a cruel irony, given her name, if Abishag did not enjoy sex at all, if she was one of those gals who just lay there and then had to shower immediately after. This request for Abishag – a seemingly ordinary one for the time – does not go over well with Solomon, who thinks that if Adonijah has enough balls to ask for a wife then he has enough balls to make a run for the throne again. So he gets Benaiah to kill him. Then he gets him to kill Joab. Then he gets him to kill another dude named Shimei. He keeps Benaiah pretty busy. If I were Benaiah, I’d be asking, “Where’s the me time?”.

Published in: on June 24, 2011 at 2:57 am  Leave a Comment  
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