One Thousand Very Unsatisfied Women (Kings 11-13)

King Solomon is a wayward man; he just loves women too much. And not just the acceptable Israelite kind. All different kinds. Benetton women. The Bible numbers his wives at seven hundred and his concubines at three hundred (although I don’t see much difference between the two, especially when you’re in the triple digits). It’s not that having a bevy of babes is an issue; it’s that they seduce him into worshipping other gods. Here are some of them:

– Ashtoreth (goddess [goddess!] of the Sidonians) was associated with fertility, sexuality and war. She is depicted as a massively pregnant woman launching a spear into the air while her water breaks.

– Milcom (called in the Bible “the abomination of the Ammonites”) liked to have children burnt alive in sacrifice. He also started a small internet company named after him that handled with very general, mundane operations.

– Chemosh (called in the Bible “the abomination of Moab”) was kind of a poor man’s Baal. He is to Baal what Rachel Weisz is to Kate Winslet.

Since Solomon has been pussy-whipped into worshipping other gods, God decides that the kingdom will eventually be lost. Not during his lifetime but during his son’s. Doesn’t seem like much of a punishment to me. Who cares what happens after you die? I don’t. But then again, I’m an atheist. When Solomon’s son, Rehoboam, takes over the Israelites start getting uppity again and complain that they’re working too hard: “Your father made our yoke heavy. Now therefore lighten the hard service of your father and his heavy yoke upon us, and we will serve you” (Kin 12:4). This is bad idea. Reverse psychology would have worked better. They should have said something like, “Let us work more overtime. We don’t have families or outside interests”. Instead of lightening their proverbial yoke, Rehoboam says he’s going to make it heavier. He’s kind of a jerk that way. On top of that, he says, “My father chastised you with whips, but I will chastise you with scorpions” (Kin 12:11). Seems a tad harsh. He is also advised by the elders to use the following argument, which sounds vaguely sexual: “My little finger is thicker than my father’s loins” (Kin 12:10). Either that means that he’s very manly with big, sausage-sized fingers (hello) or his father had seriously atrophied adductor muscles.

In Kings 13, a few weird things happen. Some “man of God” shows up to the temple that Solomon built and starts sounding off on how much God hates the Israelites now. Jeroboam tries to make the equivalent of a citizen’s arrest and his hand shrivels up (cool!). No one is going near the man of God now. He tries to establish some deal in which he gets some portion of the kingdom if he goes on a fast. God apparently told him to do this. Whatever moral instruction there is to be gleaned from this is lost on me completely. Of all people, a prophet tricks him into eating and drinking at his house. Not only does the deal go south, the man of God ends up getting killed by a lion since he didn’t do what God told him. Let this be a lesson to us all. 

"I'm ashamed."

Published in: on July 1, 2011 at 4:51 pm  Leave a Comment  
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