Yada, Yada, Yada (Kings 14-15)

Many biblical scholars agree that there are narrative gaps in the Good Book. That’s not really ceding a lot considering that the Bible has parts in which these gaps are clearly identified in the text. For example: “The rest of the acts of Abijam, and all that he did, are they not written in the Book of the Chronicles of the Kings of Judah?” (Kin 15:7). Don’t look at me. I don’t know. Are they? What’s funny to me about this is that it’s a question. It’s like I can hear the author(s) shrugging his shoulders (whatever that sounds like).

In Kings 14, Jeroboam’s son falls ill and he sends his wife to visit a blind prophet to ask if he’s going to die. For unspecified reasons, he tells his wife to wear a disguise (tip-toeing mailbox? pirate? sexy Tim Horton’s employee?) but the prophet is able to tell who she is by the sounds of her steps. This isn’t much of a party trick. People have really distinct walks. Especially if they’re tap dancers or geishas.

Long story short, the prophet curses Jeroboam’s family and tells his wife that her son’s going to die. And he does. As soon as she returns home. Bang on. At this point, the narrative starts to accelerate. Someone dies and someone else becomes king over some part of the kingdom (it’s no longer unified). Rehoboam dies and Abijam takes over Judah. Then he dies and Asa takes over. His main achievement was getting rid of all the male cult prostitutes, which were a huge problem apparently. Meanwhile, after the death of Jeroboam, Nadab takes over Israel only to be killed by someone named Baasha two years into his reign. Baasha, an all-round bad guy, takes over and displeases God by not following his rules. It seems that, given all the horrible plagues that God has sent down upon his people, they should get the point and not worship other gods and go whoring around all the time. Is it that hard to fake it? I know that I had to go to church and pretend to be a good Catholic for a long time in order to get my figure skating lessons paid for.

Male cult prostitutes performed "hieros gamos" rituals to depict their gods. Fancy name for public sex.

Published in: on July 2, 2011 at 8:10 pm  Leave a Comment  
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