Air-Born Leprosy (Kings 2 4-5)

Elisha has come to be regarded as “a man of God,” whatever that means. One of the perks of being a man of God (other than red-hot shame at one’s boners, of course) is that you can travel around and people will accomodate you in their homes. A barren women (who we can suppose is empty inside) and her husband even set up a private room for Elisha when he passes through, complete with walls (purely luxury items), a bed, a chair and a lamp. Elisha repays her for these sweet digs by getting God to allow her to conceive a son. However, when he’s still but a boy, her son gets a massive headache, falls asleep in her lap and dies. Some son.

This reminds me of my Nana’s dog Susie, a Pomeranian. My Nana was a touch dotty and used to promptly sit down to tea and shortbread biscuits at three o’clock everyday with Susie. Predictably, Susie grew into an almost perfectly spherical shape, like a basketball with fur on four sticks. When Susie’s heart could no longer deal with all that butter being siphoned into her delicate system, she waddled onto my Nana’s lap while she was watching Three’s Company (my Nana loved gay jokes), fell asleep and died.

But the formerly barren women in Kings 4 didn’t have anything to worry about, really. Elisha is no indian giver (can I still say that?). He goes to the boy’s freshly dead body and does the following: “Then he went up and lay upon the child, putting his mouth upon his mouth, his eyes upon his eyes, and his hands upon his hands; as he stretched himself upon him, the flesh of the child became warm” (Kin 2 4:34). My certification in First Aid and CPR has lapsed but I’m quite sure that this is not standard procedure. His eyes upon his eyes? Imagine that kid coming back to life. How super-creepy would that be?

The fifth chapter in Kings 2 turns to one of my favourite minorities (no, not male stand-ups with high self-esteem) – lepers. Naaman, commander of the army of the king of Syria has a bad case of leprosy. Doesn’t do too well with the ladies. He catches wind that Elisha is a man of God and goes to him seeking a cure. Elisha instructs him to go bathe in the river and he’s like, “Duh. I’ve already tried washing. It doesn’t work“. But he tries it despite his doubts and the result is “his flesh was restored like the flesh of a little child and he was clean” (Kin 2 5:14). Naaman is overjoyed, naturally, and offers Elisha’s servant Gehazi some gifts while Elisha is fucking off somewhere. Gehazie accepts said gifts, which pisses of Elisha. So he gives Gehazi leprosy as a punishment instead of just taking away his Christmas bonus. Bam!

Published in: on July 20, 2011 at 12:18 am  Leave a Comment  
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