Drive-By Anointing (Kings 2 9-10)

In chapter 9, Elisha comes to the conclusion that one of his sons should randomly drop in on Jehu, son of Jehoshaphat, and anoint him with oil and announce him as king. His instructions are as follows: “Then take the flash of oil and pour it on his head, and say, ‘Thus says the Lord, I anoint you king over Israel’. Then open the door and flee; do not tarry” (Kin 2 9:3). Apparently, there’s no reception with drinks or dancing of any kind.

Elisha’s son does exactly that and in doing so, stirs the proverbial pot. Obviously, this doesn’t sit well with Joram who, up until this point, had been king. He challenges Jehu who counters by pointing out what a shitty job he’s been doing as king. There are an awful lot of “harlotries” (yes, this is a word) and sorceries operating thanks to him and his mother Jezebel. Jehu has got a real hate-on for Jezebel, probably because he was the one guy she refused to have sex with.

It’s worth mentioning that in my reading of the Bible, there is a lot more anti-sorcery content than anti-gay content. And, from what I can tell, all the anti-gay content refers only to gay men, not lesbians. It’s always been funny to me when fervent fundamentalists argue that AIDS is God’s punishment for being gay. In actuality, lesbians have a lower incidence of HIV and AIDS than heterosexual women which would make one think that dykes, and not Jews, are God’s chosen people.

Moving on, Jehu decides to bring his argument with Joram to an abrupt end by shooting him with an arrow. Done and done. Next, he pays a visit to Jezebel, who he beats and leaves for dead. This probably gives him a real hard-on but what makes it even better is later she is eaten by dogs. They make fast work of her, leaving no flesh, only bone. If it wasn’t dogs then my next guess would be cartoon pirhanas.

In chapter 10, Jehu goes on a killing spree and wipes out the house of Ahab, for their general debauchery and wheelings and dealings with other gods. Then he tricks a bunch of people into revealing themselves as worshippers of Baal (him again?). Basically, he says, “Hey, everybody! Let’s get our groove on and have a really fun party for Baal! You’re all invited but let’s still aim for even numbers of boys and girls. Hope you like Baked Tostitos”. All the people that show up are killed and the house of Baal is turned into a latrine. That’s a statement, for sure.

Woof.

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Published in: on July 26, 2011 at 1:55 am  Leave a Comment  
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