Fifty Cents Off Shake n’ Bake (Kings 2 11-12)

Truthfully, I’m losing track of what’s going on here in Kings 2. Kings come and go, and some are good and some are bad. It would be a little more interesting for the reader if the Bible supplied some detail to go with statements like, “He did what was evil in the sight of the Lord”. What was it? Was it… salacious? Let’s spice it up here.

Anyways, Jehoash takes over and begins to reign in Jerusalem, which pisses of a woman named Athaliah since her family, the former royal family, had been slain. She she makes like, a scene, and “rent[s] her clothes,” (Kin 2 11:14) which never fails to make me laugh since I think ripping your clothes off your body is possibly the worst coping mechanism, and one that is surely regrettable moments later as you stand there with half a boob exposed (like a coked-out Tara Reid on the red carpet… remember that?).

Jehoash is a good king, apparently, since he tears down the house of Baal and make sure the resident priest there, Mattan (who, for some reason, I imagine to look like that mute dude with the long hair from the Black-Eyed Peas), is killed.

In chapter 12 of Kings 2, Jehoiada (the priest in charge of the other priests), invents a very familiar object if you are or were a churchgoer: the collection basket. In the churches I went to (before I saw the light or, rather, absence of light), they always used a flat basket attatched to a long handle that they would jab into your pew in a probing manner (it doubled as the skimmer for the rooftop pool… no, that’s a lie). It always felt a little rude to me. “Then Jehoiada the priest took a chest, and bored a hole in the lid of it, and set it beside the altar on the right side as one entered the house of the Lord; and the priests who guarded the threshold put in it all the money that was brought into the house of the Lord” (Kin 2 12:9). They used this money for practical things and not fancy-schmancy accoutrements like, “basins of silver, snufflers, bowls, trumpets, or any vessels of gold, or of silver” (Kin 2 12:13). Hmm. Take note, Vatican.

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Published in: on July 28, 2011 at 2:35 pm  Leave a Comment  
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