Public Arking (Chronicles 13-15)

Now that David’s in charge of Israel, he wants to put on a big to-do and march the ark of the covenant from its resting place (Kiriathjearim) to Jerusalem. Everything’s going great, until Uzzah, who’s helping cart the ark from town to town, gets a little too close to it. See, he’s all thumbs. “Uzzah put out his hand to hold the ark, for the oxen stumbled” (Chr 13:9). God, like a teenager hell-bent on guarding his privacy (“Don’t touch my stuff, Mom!”), lashes out and kills Uzzah right then and there. And the merry-makers in tow cease doing their thing for all of five seconds.

Once back in Jerusalem, David adds a few more wives to his happy family and expands his brood. Reading through the Bible, I surprised that there aren’t more branches of Christianity calling for polygamy. There’s lots to back it up. I guess the people who are in to polygamy give it a bad name because of their cultish vibe and bad fashion.

I started to think a little bit about Mormons and how hard they must have to look to find those terrible Anne of Green Gables-esque clothes. I found this website promoting “Fashion without Compromise” and – you know what? – it wasn’t half-bad! They had some really cute slouchy tops for sale. There were lots of fashion tips warning you about things like cleavage and how heels would make you “look more like a woman of the world than a woman of the Lord”. But check this out:

Shorten that hemline and you've got "fierce" with a capital "fierce".

Cute, right? Right out of Roman Holiday. I’d rock that if it were above the knee and I could pair it with espadrilles.

Back to David and the ark. He puts on this huge, over-the-top production bringing it into Jerusalem with musicians, singers and back-up dancers (I’m just guessing). Watching all of this and glowering is Michal, the daughter of Saul. She “looked out of the window, and saw King David dancing and making merry; and she despised him in her heart” (Chr 15:29). This is the closest the Bible had come to clearly identifying a good guy and a bad guy. I wonder what kind of dance moves he was doing. I bet they were the kind of moves that guys sometimes do that look like they’re pushing something away over and over again. Kind of like raising the roof if the roof’s directly in front of them… know what I mean?

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Published in: on August 29, 2011 at 1:57 am  Leave a Comment  
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