Attack of the Giant Babies (Chronicles 2 1-3)

At the beginning of the second book of Chronicles, King David is dead and his pansy son Solomon is in charge. His main task is to build the house of Lord the way that David imagined it which, by all accounts, resembles a Vegas casino. David had pretty bad taste. If he lived in modern times he probably would’ve had a couple of stone lions at the end of his driveway, regardless of the size of his house. I’m of the opinion that you need to have a big house to do stuff like that. If you live in a small, decrepit bungalow then take a pass on the stone lions, Chinese dragons, arctic wolves and the like.

Basically, the house of the Lord is covered in gold. Does God care about that sort of thing? It doesn’t really square with the messages at the heart of the Judeo-Christian tradition which I thought upheld poverty as a virtue (almost). But maybe that’s just when Jesus comes into the picture. Whatever the case, here’s a sample of what the joint looked like: “The vestibule in front of the nave of the house was twenty cubits long, equal to the width of the house; and its height was a hundred and twenty cubits. He overlaid it on the inside with pure GOLD. The nave he lined with cypress, and covered it with fine GOLD, and made palms and chains on it. He adorned the house with settings of precious stones. The GOLD was GOLD of Parvaim. So he lined the house with GOLD – its beams, its thresholds, its walls, and its doors; and he carved cherubim on the walls” (Chr 2 3:4-7).

I added the capitalization for effect.

The description of the cherubim is particularly disturbing from the interior decorating point of view. Mostly because of how enormous they are. I’ve always had a soft spot for those fountains that have a cherub pouring water out of an urn. I think they’re really classy. Or maybe it’s because I want to live in an Italian villa and have a tragic life like that loopy lady in the video for Maroon 5’s “She Will Be Loved”. Anyways, I think if you’re going to do cherubim then keep them small. Always smaller than scale. The cherubim in the house of the Lord have a wingspan of like, twenty cubits. That’s way over the top. Babies are cute and all (I guess) but giant babies are downright frightening. Imagine trying to carry on a conversation in a room where you’re eclipesed by a statue of a giant baby with wings. I couldn’t.

Clearly, you married for the money so you get what you deserve. Stop trying to steal your daughter’s statuatory rapist. It’s gross.


Published in: on September 12, 2011 at 1:55 am  Leave a Comment  
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