Tub Time (Chronicles 2 4-7)

Solomon has put all the finishing touches on the house of the Lord. There’s this really big tub (that, for some reason, is referred to as the “molten sea”) which can hold thirty thousand baths. So you can have a soak with twenty-nine thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine of your closest friends.

There are some animal sculptures adorning the place, too. They’ve been carefully arranged so that “all their hinder parts [are] inward” (Chr 2 4:4). This is probably a good choice. A number of years ago my neighbour’s fat pug came to visit, sat on my friend’s lap and proceeded to get a huge, pink erection. It was horendous and I love pugs.

To dedicate the house of the Lord, Solomon gives a big speech. Whenever anyone launches into a speech in the Bible it’s generally boring but Solomon manages to ask some interesting questions in this one; in particular, “But will God dwell indeed with man on the earth?” (Chr 2 6:18). I guess he’s saying, “I spent all this time building this place… is God ever going to come and check it out (and bring some sort of housewarming gift)?”. It’s a fair query. If I were in Solomon’s place, I would hope for Misty Mints. I love those things. They’re basically pastel-coloured chunks of butter flavoured with peppermint. They sell them at dollar stores but I think that’s underestimating them. They should be rebranded and sold at Pusateri’s for $5.99.

My eyes are misting over at the mere thought of them.

Solomon also drops this bomb in the middle of his speech: “there is no man who does not sin” (Chr 2 6:36). That’s called “glass half empty thinking”. This is one of my beefs with Judaism and Christianity: they operate under the assumption that we’re shit to begin with.

When Solomon wraps things up, “the glory of the Lord filled the temple” (Chr 2 7:1). Apparently, glory is one in the same as fire because God takes that form and consumes all the offerings in one fell flaming swoop. And there were a lot of offerings. Solomon lays out, to give you an idea, twenty-two thousand oxen. Reminds me of a Chinese wedding I once went to. A traditional Chinese wedding has ten courses. The point is to show off how much wealth the family has. It’s deemed a success if there are tons of leftovers to toss in the garbage. The Scottish in my finds this deeply offensive. What a waste. I’m pretty sure I took home a doggie bag of my own devising. I typically carry tuppeware in my purse on any given day and weddings are no exception.


Published in: on September 17, 2011 at 9:21 pm  Leave a Comment  
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