Gah-wold (Chronicles 2 8-10)

It’s taken twenty years for Solomon to bring the house of the Lord to glorious completion. Naturally, other rulers are jealous and come to check it out; in particular, the Queen of Sheba. I imagine the Queen of Sheba to be quite sexy and exotic and speak with a pan-European accent like Heidi Klum does (I mean, where is she really from? Estonia?). Not only does she decide to pay Solomon a visit; she decides to “test him with hard questions” (Chr 2 9:1). None of these questions are specified but she probably asks him questions like how many sexual partners he’s had and if he fears commitment.

The Queen of Sheba is sufficiently impressed with the grandeur of the new digs and she gifts Solomon tons of gold, gems and spices. As a matter of fact, even though Solomon is a sitting pretty, he receives many gifts from other rulers. This is kind of like how celebrity get swag and clothes from designers for free only after they become famous and can afford fancy stuff. Funny, that.

Solomon puts all this found cash to good use by commisioning useful items like an ivory throne covered in gold. I hope it was made close to home because that would be a bitch to deliver.

When Solomon passes his son Rehoboam takes over. The people of Israel smell an opportunity to take advantage of the new guy and ask him to “lighten the hard service of [his] father and his heavy yoke” (Chr 2 10:4). Rehoboam doesn’t know what to do so asks around: first the old men and then the young men since he wants a second opinion. Then he panics and starts making threats that he’s going to make their yoke even heavier. Scorpions are mentioned, too. Basically he says, “You’re used to being whipped with whips – how do you think you’d like being whipped with scorpions? Eh?”. It seems to me that it would be much more difficult to whip someone with scorpions successfully unless you had really quick reflexes and a good pair of thick leather gloves. File this under “Bad Leadership Skills”.

Say it slowly: Gah-wold

Published in: on September 19, 2011 at 1:48 am  Leave a Comment  
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