Chill Your Boner (Chronicles 2 11-12)

At this stage in the game, Rehoboam is now in power in Jerusalem. Wanting to throw his weight around, he assembles one hundred and eighty thousand stout-hearted men to battle against Israel. Just as everyone’s getting all excited, the word of God descends upon him like a Debbie Downer upon a casual dinner party. “There will be no fighting,” says God, “You’re all brethren here so just chill your boner” (Chr 2 11:4). I might have paraphrased that in my preferred idiom.

Rehoboam’s lifestyle is polygamous: he has eighteen wives total, three of which are worth mentioning (Mahalath, Abihail, Maacah). The other fifteen remain unnamed. He also has sixty concubines. Busy guy. But after say, the fifth wife, aren’t they all just concubines? What differentiates them? Probably housing. Whenever I picture a group of concubines, I picture a writhing mass of veiled bodies in a pit of silken pillows. Kind of like the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese but… pillows.

After reigning for a few years, Rehoboam figures that his probation period is up and starts acting like an asshole, which pisses off God. He sends Shishak (terrible name to enunciate) the king of Egypt to attack Rehoboam’s kingdom and take all his treasures away. This is a classic parenting technique – negative reinforcement. Very Old Testament. Rehoboam is particularly put out when his gold shields get taken away and he can only afford to replace them with bronze ones. How embarrassing. The only people that are happy with bronze are Canadian athletes. Sorry, but it’s true.

Now THAT'S a concubine.

 

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Published in: on September 24, 2011 at 12:51 am  Leave a Comment  
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