Can’t See the Lord for the Trees (Chronicles 2 31-33)

In Chapter 31 Hezekiah goes on a rampage. He was due for one. He tears down all places of worship devoted to other gods, including the Asherim, which are just circles of trees. Seems a tad unnecessary since you could probably repurpose those trees for fun stuff like treehouses and hanging laundry to dry.

After that episode, Hezekiah divides up all the priests according to the jobs they do (and won’t do – get it?). He also contributes a bunch of his own stuff for a variety of burnt offerings, some of which are for the new moons. New moons? Sounds vaguely pagan. I know this because I used to consider my religion to be Wicca when I was sixteen. What I liked about Wicca – what I still like about Wicca – is that it has this real bitch-slap of a karmic rule: whatever you do comes back to you times three. In Hinduism, it just comes back to you but in Wicca, it comes back to you times three. Makes you think about all the times you were too lazy to recycle.

Anyways, Senneacherib, king of Assyria invades Judah next. Hezekiah tells his forces not to worry about those huge, hulking, hoarding Assyrians because the Lord is on their side. Whatever. That wouldn’t calm my nerves. In all honesty, every single time I go to Wonderland I bring an extra pair of underwear because I’m convinced that it will be too much and I’ll wet myself. Hezekiah’s eventual victory has more to do with the fact that he’s smart enough to cut off the Assyrians’ water supply, not God.

After Hezekiah kicks it, his son Mannaseh, who is twelve years old, takes over. That’s a great idea. Of course, it’s a hot mess, with Mannaseh bringing back all the idolatrous worship of other gods and cavorting about with mediums and wizards. Plus, he does a little soothsaying of his own on the side. Scandalous. A soothsayer has always been one of my backup costume ideas for Halloween since all it involves is a billowy robe and a bad attitude. What’s more, if you’re bloated from eating too much dairy or something then you can hide your bloat and NOT hide the fact that you feel badly about yourself by expressing general negativity. Win-win.

Beware the aisles of dairy.

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Published in: on October 21, 2011 at 9:36 pm  Leave a Comment  
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