Leftovers (Chronicles 2 34-36)

After a cavalcade of crappy kings, Josiah takes over Judah when he’s eight years old. Child pageants had given him the confidence required to rule effectively.

During renos on the house of the Lord (renos: do they ever end?), Hilkiah, the high priest, stumbles across the book of laws that God had gifted to Moses. He passes it on to Shaphan, the king’s secretary, to read to the king who “rent[s] his clothes” when he realizes that his people aren’t abiding by the laws. Renting one’s clothes seems to be the only available reaction to disturbing news. No one has fainted or peed their pants, not even once. Too bad.

Josiah decides to make a new convenant with God, like hippies who force all their friends and family over to watch them reaffirm their marriage vows and eat weird salads after. He throws a big shin-dig for passover with way too much food (i.e., he orders the sacrifice of thirty thousand lambs). No doubt there were countless of repetitions of the following rigmarole:

“You have to take some leftovers home with you”

“No, no, no. We couldn’t”

“You have to. Here. Just take a little something”

“What about the tupperware?”

“Forget the tupperware. It’s old. Keep it”

“Really. I don’t want your gross food. It’s going to sit in the fridge for 4-5 days and then when I remember it’s still there, I’m going to throw it out”

“I’m forcing this food upon you because I’m an emotional over-eater and I can’t be surrounded by it. Take the fucking food”

Some of that dialogue was internal. Anyways, Josiah is an okay king but his undoing is he doesn’t know how to mind his own business. For no reason, he decides to interfere with a battle between Neco, king of Egypt and an unnamed opponent. He’s so intent on participating in the battle that he even disguises himself. What an idiot. He gets shot with lots of arrows and dies.

Here is the next string o’ kings: Jehoahaz, Jehoiakim, Jehoiachin and Zedekiah. To keep this short and sweet, all I’ll mention is that they’re all crappy and they all run into trouble with the Babylonian king who conquers them, takes their fancy things and makes a lot of their subjects slaves. Now, on to the Book of Ezra because I’m so done with Chronicles.

Look good? It IS!

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Published in: on October 24, 2011 at 2:58 am  Leave a Comment  
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