Little Help? (Esther 3-5)

It’s the worst when you see some incompetent dick get promoted over you. In Esther 3, King Ahasuerus takes a shine to a guy named Haman the Agagite (let’s bring back specific qualifiers to our names, okay? It’s better than having to say, “Yeah, Steve. He’s… black”). Haman is promoted over all these other princes and he’s a terrible person who really, really hates Jews. He gets super-pissed when Mordecai (a Jew) doesn’t cow-tow to him when he sees him so he decides “to destroy all the Jews” (Est 3:6). Talk about a short fuse.

Haman must have some amount of influence over the king because he convinces him to send an edict out commanding the annihilation of all Jews, male or female, young and old. Mordecai, being a Jew, unsurprisingly takes issue with this. He does that thing that everybody does in the Bible when they get stressed: he tears off all his clothes and walks around wearing a sack. Then he adopts a more effective problem-solving strategy. He goes to Esther, who has the king’s ear due to her extreme sexiness, and is like, “Can we do something about this?”. Though apparently, Esther is in a bit of a bind because she can’t just go talk to him; anyone who speaks to the king must be summoned with a ridiculous golden scepter. While they wait, she suggests that Mordecai get all the Jews together and fast. So much bloody fasting. Maybe this is how eating disorders got started (if not, it’s definitely supermodels… definitely).

When Esther talks to the king she suggests that everyone get together for dinner: her, the king, Mordecai and Haman. It’s like a blind date that she naively thinks will resolve all prejudice if the food, wine and conversation is good enough. Predictably, Haman arrives (probably with a $12 to $15 bottle of Shiraz in hand), takes one look at Mordecai and is like, “What the fuck?”.

Cliffhanger! OMG!

Please pass the Anti-Semitism.

 

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Published in: on January 2, 2012 at 1:33 am  Leave a Comment  
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