An Easter Miracle (Job 38-42)

Since Easter is a time of miracles, I’ll mention something I consider to be a miracle: my gargantuan appetite. Here’s what I ate last night at my parents’ place:

– a 16-ounce steak

– 2 large sweet potatoes

– copious amounts of salad and asparagus

– 2 large pieces of cheesecake

– 1 large glass of red wine

Impressive, n’est pas? Even more so considering that I’m shorter than Natalie Portman. I tend to brag about my sizeable appetite fairly openly because I think most women feel like they have to pretend to have a small one in order to appear dainty and feminine, lik Melody Wilkes from Gone with the Wind. I’m starting a dialogue right now and encouraging ladies to “take back the plate,” so to speak. I’m not joking.  

Anyways, I’ve polished off the Book of Job, which culminates with God bragging about all the cool stuff he can do like hasten dawn and call the wind and shit like that. One thing which I thought was worth bragging about was his control over two bad-ass beasts: the Behemoth and the Leviathan (one, the inspiration for a roller coaster and the other, the inspiration for a 1989 underwater horror movie… the best kind of horror movie in my opinion). This is something that the Church should focus on if it wants to remain popular among the youth of today – monsters. More sermons on monsters, for sure.

At the end of the day, God has pity on Job and gives him his life back (and then some) and everyone has a big party for him. I guess that’s good but the guy’s been through a lot and probably has severe post-traumatic stress disorder. I mean, at this point it’s kind of like throwing a pizza party for a Vietnam veteran.

Published in: on April 8, 2012 at 8:36 pm  Leave a Comment  
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No More Whine-a-tribe: Job Finally Shuts Up (Job 30-37)

Job has been a trying chapter for me to read. I’ve given it some thought and I would say the reason is that Job is a major whiner and I hate whiners. I really do. Most people I know complain about the stupidest shit, like why they don’t own condos or how expensive organic avocados are. I usually cut off such whine-a-tribes (I’m working off of diatribe here – get it?) with statements like, “Well, you weren’t born with AIDS into a nearly inescapable prison of poverty and illiteracy.” Perspective, folks. If I’m feeling really edgy then I might also bring up female circumcision.

Job bellyaches about how God has “cast him into the mire” (Job 30:19) – which sounds bad – and how he’s “a brother of jackals and a companion of ostriches” (Job 30:29 – which doesn’t sound that bad to me since I’ve always wanted to ride an ostrich. Ostriches would be fun to ride in the same way those old-timey bikes with the huge front wheels (penny-farthing) would be fun to ride; because you’re high up and they’re just wobbly enough to make things exciting… will I crack my head open on the pavement… or won’t I? 

After Job finally shuts up the old guys who he’s speaking to tell him that God’s right and he’s wrong although they can’t cough up a satisfying argument. This one guy named Elihu goes on and on about all the wondrous things in the universe that God is responsible for (n.b. these thing have since been explained by SCIENCE) and how these wondrous things make it impossible to question God at all. His argument comes to the conclusion that Job just doesn’t “get” God, which makes Elihu sound like some desperate girl who wants to date God.

Hup hup hup.

Published in: on April 1, 2012 at 3:29 pm  Leave a Comment  
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