An Easter Miracle (Job 38-42)

Since Easter is a time of miracles, I’ll mention something I consider to be a miracle: my gargantuan appetite. Here’s what I ate last night at my parents’ place:

– a 16-ounce steak

– 2 large sweet potatoes

– copious amounts of salad and asparagus

– 2 large pieces of cheesecake

– 1 large glass of red wine

Impressive, n’est pas? Even more so considering that I’m shorter than Natalie Portman. I tend to brag about my sizeable appetite fairly openly because I think most women feel like they have to pretend to have a small one in order to appear dainty and feminine, lik Melody Wilkes from Gone with the Wind. I’m starting a dialogue right now and encouraging ladies to “take back the plate,” so to speak. I’m not joking.  

Anyways, I’ve polished off the Book of Job, which culminates with God bragging about all the cool stuff he can do like hasten dawn and call the wind and shit like that. One thing which I thought was worth bragging about was his control over two bad-ass beasts: the Behemoth and the Leviathan (one, the inspiration for a roller coaster and the other, the inspiration for a 1989 underwater horror movie… the best kind of horror movie in my opinion). This is something that the Church should focus on if it wants to remain popular among the youth of today – monsters. More sermons on monsters, for sure.

At the end of the day, God has pity on Job and gives him his life back (and then some) and everyone has a big party for him. I guess that’s good but the guy’s been through a lot and probably has severe post-traumatic stress disorder. I mean, at this point it’s kind of like throwing a pizza party for a Vietnam veteran.

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Published in: on April 8, 2012 at 8:36 pm  Leave a Comment  
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