An Embarrassing Admission (Psalms 23-30)

I recognized the following psalm instantly: “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death/I fear no evil/for thou art with me/thy rod and thy staff/they comfort me” (Psalms 23:4). I wish I could say I remember it from church, which wouldn’t be that odd considering that I still remember a lot of the things I’ve had to memorize by rote over the years – from the “Our Father” to a passage from “Lolita” I used for a second year drama class. But I’m embarrassed to admit that I remember the psalm from a scene in “Titanic” when the ship starts to tilt and some poor bastard starts reciting it and Jack says, “You wanna walk a little faster through that valley there?”. Definitely one of the comedic high points of the movie.

My roommate once admitted to me that she went to see “Titanic” eight consecutive times in the theatre when it came out. She’s able to spit out an impressive amount of the narration voiced by old Rose (The sheets had never been slept in… the dishes had never been used… Titanic was the ship of dreams… and it was… it really was). I bested her: I went to see “Titanic” ELEVEN times in the theatre. One my tenth or eleventh visit, my friend Summer(oni) and I were late and we couldn’t find seats together so we got some lawn chairs that I happened to have in the trunk of the Corsica (a pretty sweet ride for a highschooler) and parked them in the back of the theatre like we were at a Barenaked Ladies concert.

I went to see Titanic several times with friends and several times alone. I don’t know what it was about the movie that appealed to me; at the time I considered myself an intellectual, rebel and all-round weirdo. Sidenote: a friend once asked me if I was popular in highschool and I replied, “Let me put it to you this way, Ken. I was thirty pounds heavier, played on the boys’ rugby team, had green hair and my “good” shirt was a Far Side t-shirt. You do the math”. Funny enough, “Titanic” struck a chord with me and I cried at each and every one of the eleven viewings. Maybe it was the three and a half hour running time – it wears you down emotionally and you wind up a puddle.

I toyed with writing this post today but I’m SO glad I did. Here’s why: I started to type in the word “embarrassing” in the Google search to see if it had one “s” or two and something called “Embarassing Bodies” came up. It’s precisely my kind of show. First, it’s BRITISH and second, it’s BRASH in handling STUFF MOST FOLKS DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT. I was looking for something to take the place of “Supersize Versus Superskinny” (the concept to that show is self-explanatory). Not only is it in the same vein, it features Dr. Christian Jessen, the smarmy doctor who was on “Supersize”. This is a red-letter day for me. I know I’ll find this show endlessly entertaining.

As proof of that, here is the FIRST clip that came up for “Embarrassing Bodies”.

That girl looks twelve but is, thankfully, twenty-three.

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How to Headbutt (Psalms 15-22)

These psalms were all supposedly written by King David, who is kissing major ass in all of them. In Psalm 18, for example, he goes on and on about how the Lord is his rock because he helped him destroy all his enemies. Since all the psalms are all meant to be sung and accompanied by music, I kept hearing this:

Did you notice the guy with the bandage over his left eye? Clearly, he represents the demographic this early 90s commercial is meant to appeal to: someone who’s both reckless with their vehicle and their face. Someone who probably appreciates giving and receiving a good headbutt.

Wanna know how? Here’s an instructional video on how to headbutt that hilariously opens with, “There’s no arguing that one of the most effective close quarters combat strategies is the headbutt” (I beg to differ). SPOILER ALERT. Grab the guy’s shirt, not shoulders. I’ll see YOU in the alley behind the bar.

Psalm 16 is not only a psalm, but also a “miktam”. I didn’t know what this meant so I Googled it and, as it turns out, no one does. Not even biblical scholars (frankly, I’ve always had trouble marrying these two descriptors; I’d much prefer “biblical enthusiast”). BAM.

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Published in: on May 23, 2013 at 12:04 am  Comments (2)  
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You’re Better Than That (Psalms 7-14)

“There is no God” (Psalms 10:4).

Well, that settles things. Thanks for reading, folks!

It’s actually in the Bible. I’ve taken it out of context, of course, and hilariously so. But it’s in there.

I’m still waiting with baited breath for the Psalms to spice up. Unfortunately, they seem to consist of bellyaching about enemies and begging God to hurt them. The Psalms get alarmingly specific about the kind of bodily harm, too. Here are some examples:

“Break thou the arm of the wicked and evildoer” (Psalms 10:14)

“On the wicked he [God] will rain coals of fire and brimstone/a scorching wind shall be the portion of their cup” (Psalms 11:6)

“May the Lord cut off all flattering lips/the tongue that makes great boasts” (Psalms 12:3)

That’s mean.

I don’t know for sure who wrote this stuff but to him I say, “C’mon. You’re better than that”. Personally, I get most of my aggression out by working a mortar and pestle to make my own Thai curry pastes. And sometimes, if I see someone’s about to pull the cord on the streetcar for an upcoming stop, I try to beat them to it. That’s just me though.

Psalms would appeal to whoever wrote this.

Psalms would appeal to whoever wrote this.

 

Published in: on May 21, 2013 at 1:52 am  Leave a Comment  
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I Write the Psalms (That Make the Whole World Psing) (Psalms 1-6)

It’s been over a year since my last crack at the Bible. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever come back to Atheist Bible Study but I hate not finishing things, a trait of mine that’s most pronounced when a generous helping of anything is put in front of my gob.

I also heard that the Psalms are kind of sexy.

Most of the Psalms are supposedly written by King David, who didn’t have enough on his plate ruling over all of Israel. It’s a pretty small country after all. I think it’s cool that he took some time out of enacting laws and quashing rebellions and hucking stones at giants to indulge his artistic inclinations. Remember how Bill Clinton played the sax? That was pretty cool. I once convinced a dude at a party that the sax solo in M83’s “Midnight City” was Bill Clinton’s. I really get a kick out of flat-out lying to people.

Psalms 1-6 aren’t sexy; they’re whiny. What I got out of them was the following (slightly paraphrased): “Hey, God. You’re powerful. I’m not. People are always picking on me. Can you make them stop or at least feel kind of bad?”. I based my interpretation on passages like: “I am weary with my moaning/every night I flood my bed with tears/I drench my couch with my weeping/My eye wastes away because of my grief/it grows weak because of all my foes” (Psalms 6:6-7). It does indeed read “eye” and not “eyes”. I guess that makes it even more pitiful. Having one eye is definitely worse than having two eyes. 

I’m glad I’m doing some worthwhile writing again.

Published in: on May 19, 2013 at 10:09 pm  Leave a Comment  
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I Write the Psalms (That Make the Whole World Psing) Psalms 1-6

It’s been over a year since my last crack at the Bible. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever come back to Atheist Bible Study but I hate not finishing things, a trait of mine that’s most pronounced when a generous helping of anything is put in front of my gob.

I also heard that the Psalms are kind of sexy.

Most of the Psalms are supposedly written by King David, who didn’t have enough on his plate ruling over all of Israel. It’s a pretty small country after all. I think it’s cool that he took some time out of enacting laws and quashing rebellions and hucking stones at giants to indulge his artistic inclinations. Remember how Bill Clinton played the sax? That was pretty cool. I once convinced a dude at a party that the sax solo in M83’s “Midnight City” was Bill Clinton’s. I really get a kick out of flat-out lying to people.

Psalms 1-6 aren’t sexy; they’re whiny. What I got out of them was the following (slightly paraphrased): “Hey, God. You’re powerful. I’m not. People are always picking on me. Can you make them stop or at least feel kind of bad?”. I based my interpretation on passages like: “I am weary with my moaning/every night I flood my bed with tears/I drench my couch with my weeping/My eye wastes away because of my grief/it grows weak because of all my foes” (Psalms 6:6-7).

It does indeed read “eye” and not “eyes”. I guess that makes it even more pitiful. Having one eye is definitely worse than having two eyes. 

I’m glad I’m doing some worthwhile writing again.

 

 

Published in: on May 19, 2013 at 10:01 pm  Leave a Comment  
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