I Write the Psalms (That Make the Whole World Psing) (Psalms 1-6)

It’s been over a year since my last crack at the Bible. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever come back to Atheist Bible Study but I hate not finishing things, a trait of mine that’s most pronounced when a generous helping of anything is put in front of my gob.

I also heard that the Psalms are kind of sexy.

Most of the Psalms are supposedly written by King David, who didn’t have enough on his plate ruling over all of Israel. It’s a pretty small country after all. I think it’s cool that he took some time out of enacting laws and quashing rebellions and hucking stones at giants to indulge his artistic inclinations. Remember how Bill Clinton played the sax? That was pretty cool. I once convinced a dude at a party that the sax solo in M83’s “Midnight City” was Bill Clinton’s. I really get a kick out of flat-out lying to people.

Psalms 1-6 aren’t sexy; they’re whiny. What I got out of them was the following (slightly paraphrased): “Hey, God. You’re powerful. I’m not. People are always picking on me. Can you make them stop or at least feel kind of bad?”. I based my interpretation on passages like: “I am weary with my moaning/every night I flood my bed with tears/I drench my couch with my weeping/My eye wastes away because of my grief/it grows weak because of all my foes” (Psalms 6:6-7). It does indeed read “eye” and not “eyes”. I guess that makes it even more pitiful. Having one eye is definitely worse than having two eyes. 

I’m glad I’m doing some worthwhile writing again.

Published in: on May 19, 2013 at 10:09 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Not Without My Brother (Numbers 18-20)

God starts going on and on about what he wants to see in sacrifices, especially animal sacrifices. He wants any animal sacrificed in his name to be pick of the litter and he wants their fat to be burned on the altar because it is a “pleasing odor to the Lord” (Num 18:17). If the smell of burning fat is so pleasing to God then I wonder why bacon isn’t a bigger part of the Jewish faith.

Previously, I mentioned that God did an about-face and let the Levites socialize with the Israelites. To be fair though, the Levites are basically relegated to the position of slaves. But there are perks. After a sacrifice, for example, the Levites get some of the leftovers, which I assume would be primarily organ meat.

God brings up how touching dead bodies makes you unclean for the umpteenth time. We get it. If you touch a dead body, you’re unclean. But if you’re touched by a person who has touched a dead body then you’re unclean, too. This is sort of like second-hand smoking. I don’t understand how this doesn’t cause mayhem. If it were me, and I touched a dead body (accidentally or not), then I would touch some day-dreaming chump right away and yell, “You’re it!”. Then he would touch somebody else. Then that somebody else would touch somebody else. And before you know it, everybody’s unclean and the congregation has been involuntarily signed up for a game of Everybody’s It tag. Fun.

In Numbers 20, the Iraelites start complaining again about getting dragged out of Egypt and having to roam around in the wilderness without food or water. So Moses does that trick he did many chapters ago in which he takes a stick and beats water out of a rock. Ta-dah! It’s a good thing that his people aren’t dehydrated anymore because they have to pass through hostile territory pretty soon. Before they do that, however, God tells Aaron that he has to climb up Mount Hor, give his clothes to his son Eleazar and die. I don’t know why Aaron agrees to this but maybe he was distracted by the name of the mountain (Mount (W)Hor(e)). Whatever. He’s an idiot. When the people find out Aaron’s dead they all weep for thirty days which surely delays their journey.

Published in: on February 26, 2011 at 11:11 pm  Comments (1)  
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