How to be a Crazy Bitch (Psalms 31-40)

This set of psalms follow the general trend: David thanks God for helping him with stuff while imploring God to punish the people who screw him over. Tattletaling, basically. This comes as no surprise to me since I find that the most Christian-y Christians are pretty darn judgemental (“Okay, maybe eight abortions is one too many”).

All of the psalms have a header and the one atop Psalm 34 caught my eye:

A Psalm of David, when he feigned madness before Abimelech so that he drove him out, and he went away.

In my experience, pretending to be bat-shit crazy is almost always an effective strategy.

Back in the day when I was sort of an actor, I did these lame murder mystery gigs. Long story short, I prop gun fell on my face, leaving me sporting an impressive black eye. I was in a subway station and some jerk-off stepped on the back of my heels because I wasn’t walking fast enough (apparently). When I turned to see what his deal was, I got this: “Walk much?”. Not cool. Since I have whatever the female version of the Napoleon complex is, I decided to double-back and cut him off in front of the subway doors. He. Freaked. Out. While he was screaming at me, I removed my hat to show off my black eye and calmly asked, “Are we gonna do this?” then thrust my sternum quickly upward in what krumpers would call a chest pump. He walked away thinking – I’m assuming – that I was a loose cannon. Check. Mate.


Published in: on June 1, 2013 at 9:35 pm  Leave a Comment  
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The Ol’ Switcheroo (Kings 3)

Women are baby-crazy, aren’t they? They just love ’em, don’t they? (Not I, of course; nothing bores me more than a game of “Pass the Baby” at a social gathering).

In Kings 3, King Solomon has to resolve an issue between two women and two babies, one of which is alive and one of which is dead. You do the math. Two women approach King Solomon claiming to be roommates (a likely story) who are so synched up that they both get pregnant at the same time and give birth on the same night. One of these women who must think she is a cat lies on top of her newborn during the night and kills it. So she swaps her dead baby for the other woman’s. A-ha! The ol’ switcheroo. When the other woman wakes up and finds a dead baby on her chest (could be worse, am I right, ladies?) and realizes that her roomie has pulled a fast one on her. They argue and seek out King Solomon to settle things.

Solomon is a smart guy. He’s like, “Okay, ladies. You both had a baby. Now only one of you has a baby. But you both want a baby. Why, I can’t imagine. But, whatever. Split the baby in two and each take half. Fair’s fair“. This is a scare tactic designed to reveal the real mother. It operates on the principle that a woman’s instinct for preservation of her young is so strong that she’ll do anything to see it live. Note to Solomon: This doesn’t always happen in the wild. I’m not sure which species are capable of eating their young but I’m sure there’s more than one. I decided to look it up and came across this question, which I deem to be slightly retarded:

“I am doing a report on abortion and I was wondering if you could give me a few examples of animals that kill their young?  Animals that are most commonly known would be very helpful.  Thanks!”

In the end, the real mother protests much more loudly (squeaky wheel) than her roomie that the baby should live regardless of who raises it and in so doing proves herself. Solomon gives her the baby. Problem solved.

Published in: on June 24, 2011 at 10:50 pm  Leave a Comment  
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