Burning Down the House (Judges 9)

As I mentioned in my last post, Gideon (aka Jerubaal) managed to sire seventy sons in the small amount of time he had between killing lots of people. One of his sons, Abimelech, starts jockeying for leadership of Shechem. He starts running a little campaign, which seems to be going well, but near the tail-end of it he decides to kill all his brothers “upon one stone” (Jud 9:5). That’s one strategy: eliminate the competition completely. However, I don’t really understand how he could have convinced his brothers to line up in an orderly fashion and march themselves up to the bloody stone, one by one since he’s vastly outnumbered. Must have been quite a smooth talker.

After three years, Gaal, son of Ebed (whoever that is/was), challenges Abimelech by raising an army against him. Gaal’s army winds up in a stronghold, surrounded by Abimelech’s men. Abimelech tells his men to lay bundles of brushwood at the base of the stronghold and sets it on fire, killing one thousand men and women. I’m not sure what the rules of engagement are in the Bible, but this seems like a pretty shitty thing to do.

Abimelech does get his, though. Eventually. He’s running amok killing people and burning down stuff until one woman finally says, “Oh no, he didn’t” and chucks a millstone at his head. A millstone weighs one hundred and thirty pounds so we can safely say that this woman is one hell of a shotputter. Amazing. Somehow, taking a large rock to the head weighing more than myself doesn’t kill Abimelech completely so he gets some man to finish him off because he doesn’t want people to know that a woman killed him.

Now here’s someone I’m really crossing my fingers for in 2016. I like her style.

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Published in: on May 14, 2011 at 2:33 pm  Comments (1)  
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Brothers: Just Like the Movie “Brothers” (Deuteronomy 24-25)

I’m really getting to like Deuteronomy. It’s a real cache of weird rules.

For example, if an ox walks all over your grain, you’re not allowed to muzzle it. This is a good rule because most folks get a little nervous when they see a muzzled animal. It’s usually pit bulls and those “miscellaneous” dogs that street kids tote around who have muzzles on them. Those dogs probably get a bad rap. Everytime I see one I remember how that woman who got that face transplant was originally attacked by a golden retriever. Who was probably wearing a bandana around its neck and named “Sandy”.

Deuteronomy 25 completely contradicts something in Leviticus. I’ve mentioned in past posts one particular passage from Leviticus that I’m overly familiar with thanks to the 1969 Hal Wallis classic Anne of the Thousand Days, a movie I watched pretty much every day when I was twelve. Henry VIII is able to divorce his first (barren) wife, Catherine of Aragon because she was formerly his brother’s wife and Leviticus calls this an “unclean thing… they shall be childless”. But in Deuteronomy 25 it says, “If brothers dwell together, and one of them dies and has no son, the wife of the dead shall not be married outside the family to a stranger; her husband’s brother shall go in to her, and take her as his wife, and perform the duty of a husband’s brother to her” (Deu 25:5).

I was looking for a relevant clip to show from Anne and I noticed a certain penchant for Tudor enthusiasts to create montages with Anne Boleyn to – for whatever reason – the music of Evanescence, which I find hilariously inappropriate because it sounds nothing like court music. I’ve come across this phenomenon many times.

So Deuteronomy 25 means that Tobey Maguire’s character in Brothers shouldn’t have gotten so pissed at Jake Gyllenhal’s character because he was just trying to do what was right. As a brother.

This trailer proves that even shitty movies can look good when backed by the music of U2.

Another weird rule in Deuteronomy 25 is that if a woman sees that her husband is in a fight and she tries to help him by grabbing the other guy’s junk then she’s in big trouble. Her punishment is her hand gets cut off. Yikes.

Published in: on March 23, 2011 at 2:12 am  Comments (4)  
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