It’s Nice to Know Someone’s Paying Attention (Esther 6-8)

It would seem that King Ahasuerus, in going along with Haman’s harsh prescriptions against Jews, had a momentary lapse in judgment. He loses sleep and starts to question his decision-making, which is little more than saying, “Okay,” to any and all ridiculous suggestions. Point in case: eradicating Jews.

It’s a good thing that King Ahasuerus keeps something special in his nightstand. It’s not what I keep in my nightstand; it’s better. It’s a book of memorable deeds. I guess he’s been keeping tally of all the good stuff people have done for him. He looks up Mordecai, a Jew, and lo and behold, there are a few feathers in his cap. One time in particular, Mordecai protected the king from attack by two vicious eunuchs. They couldn’t have been that hard to fend off, on account of their paltry amounts of testosterone and general lack of Muay Thai at that time in history.

So King Ahasuerus does an about-face and, to punish Haman for leading him astray, he makes Haman lead a procession in celebration of Mordecai, announcing him loudly as the “man whom the king delights to honor” (Est 6:11). Burn. Then Haman gets hanged in gallows he had constructed to execute Mordecai. Double burn.

Good day to be a Jew.

 

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Published in: on January 6, 2012 at 2:50 am  Leave a Comment  
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I’ll Pass on the Tiramisu and Have the Sweetbreads (Nehemiah 4-5)

The Israelites are in the middle of building a big wall around Jerusalem. This is probably a good idea since people keep attacking them and killing them. As they’re sweating away, putting one stone on top of another, their enemies, who I guess are within earshot, are standing by making fun of them. Here’s the best insult an Ammonite drummed up: “Yes, what they are building – if a fox goes up on it he will break down their stone wall!” (Neh 4:3). Ha. Pretty lame. Especially since a fox probably couldn’t climb up a wall unless it had some degree of slope to it. He should have used something like a badger. Or – better yet – a Honey Badger. Those things are badass. That’s why I used capitals. I fear the Honey Badger.

If you’ve ever made my acquaintance then you know that I’m not really up on my YouTube videos. I still don’t know what the big deal is about Chocolate Rain, I’ve only ever seen Double Rainbow once and I’ve never seen the video with that guy who had his house robbed or something and is talking about “how everybody’s gettin’ raped”. I hope I have that right. Anyways, I love this Honey Badger video and it’s new to me so here it is:

Now back to the Bible. Nehemiah, the narrator of this particular book, becomes governor of Judah and tells his readers, most objectively, that he’s the best governor that there ever was: “The former governors who were before me laid heavy burdens upon the people, and took from them food and wine, besides forty shekels of silver… But I did not do so, because of the fear of God” (Neh 5:15). Sure, sure. He even says that he didn’t take advantage of any of the governor’s typical privileges, which were probably things like sweetbreads, flowing robes and virgins. Sweetbreads, I’ll have you know, are made from an animal’s (calf or lamb, usually) glands, often their cahones (balls). Careful not to confuse these with sweetmeats, which are sugary pieces of confection. Seems obvious to me that these names should be reversed.

Mmm. Cut me a slice.

Published in: on November 15, 2011 at 2:59 am  Leave a Comment  
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