Birkenstock-Wearing Granola-Heads (Kings 2 15-16)

Chapters 15 and 16 of Kings 2 talk a lot about which kings were good and which kings were bad. God comes down pretty hard on even the good kings. For example, Azariah, who ruled in Israel “did what was right in the eyes of the Lord,” except for allowing the people to still burn incense (Kin 2 15:3). So God made him a leper. For burning a little patchouli. Must have been hard to rule effectively with the threat of his nose falling off his face at any moment. I think if God was incarnated into human form in modern times, he’d probably be one of those annoying people in your workplace who are “scent sensitive” and get things like perfume and Old Spice deordorant banned.

Menahem, who ruled Israel in Samaria, was worse. When he sacked this city called Tirzah he also “ripped up all the women in it who were with child” (Kin 2 15:16). I’m not sure how exactly he ripped them up but it can’t be worse than the kind of ripping that happens during actual childbirth. So, really – he spared them.

Ahaz, king of Judah, even sacrificed his own son, burning him as an offering. Maybe God would’ve thought this was pretty cool if he was Abraham (a true original) but he’s not so it’s just lame. Ahaz was really into sacrifices in general and there’s a lot of talk at the end of chapter 16 of burnt cereal offerings which make me wonder if this was the accidental invention of granola. I’m no historian but I’m going to say, “Yes. Yes, it was.”

Takes me back to Grade 10 (my Wiccan phase).

Published in: on August 3, 2011 at 1:19 am  Comments (2)  
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