Flesh-Eating Dogs (Psalms 66-70)

I’m hoping Psalms turn the corner soon because they are bo-ring. David blathers on about how his enemies are going to get their comeuppance, and how God is going to be the one to deliver it. I think we’ve all heard that Old Testament God is a like a schoolyard bully and New Testament God is like the facilitator of a yoga retreat or a Landmark forum. On second thought, I think we’ve probably heard the former but not the latter. The latter is clear to me and my brain though.

Here’s some cool stuff that Old Testament God does:

“…shatter the heads of his enemies…” (Psalms 68:21) WHOA!

“…trample underfoot those who lust after tribute…” (Psalms 68:30) NO WAY!

Here’s some cool stuff that Old Testament God says:

“I will bring them back from Bashan/I will bring them back from the depths of the sea/that you may bathe your feet in blood/that the tongues of your dogs/may have their portion from the foe” (Psalms 68:22-23) WAIT – WHAT!? 

If you’re at all unsure of which God to believe in (Allah, Vishnu, Tuoni… Finnish god of the underworld who greets you with a frosty mug of frogs and worm upon arrival), this God would allow you to feed your dogs the flesh of your enemies.

Now here’s a dog food commercial from the Netherlands that made me laugh a little. Look for the moment when it seems the woman is so taken with the aroma of the canned dog food that it looks like she’s actually going to chow down on it. [Sidenote: my pal Ken who has negative 5% body fat once convinced me that the new trend in exercise nutrition was to eat canned dog food. “Better than protein powder,” he said.]

Published in: on June 13, 2013 at 1:11 am  Leave a Comment  
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You’re Better Than That (Psalms 7-14)

“There is no God” (Psalms 10:4).

Well, that settles things. Thanks for reading, folks!

It’s actually in the Bible. I’ve taken it out of context, of course, and hilariously so. But it’s in there.

I’m still waiting with baited breath for the Psalms to spice up. Unfortunately, they seem to consist of bellyaching about enemies and begging God to hurt them. The Psalms get alarmingly specific about the kind of bodily harm, too. Here are some examples:

“Break thou the arm of the wicked and evildoer” (Psalms 10:14)

“On the wicked he [God] will rain coals of fire and brimstone/a scorching wind shall be the portion of their cup” (Psalms 11:6)

“May the Lord cut off all flattering lips/the tongue that makes great boasts” (Psalms 12:3)

That’s mean.

I don’t know for sure who wrote this stuff but to him I say, “C’mon. You’re better than that”. Personally, I get most of my aggression out by working a mortar and pestle to make my own Thai curry pastes. And sometimes, if I see someone’s about to pull the cord on the streetcar for an upcoming stop, I try to beat them to it. That’s just me though.

Psalms would appeal to whoever wrote this.

Psalms would appeal to whoever wrote this.


Published in: on May 21, 2013 at 1:52 am  Leave a Comment  
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Comeuppance (Esther 9-10)

Comeuppance is one of my favourite words and one that I get to use all too rarely. In the last two chapters of Esther, the Jews get to give all the people who’ve recently thwarted them their comeuppance. It’s the most obvious kind of comeuppance: they kill them.

Yes, King Ahasuerus gives the Jews a rather loose lead and lets them kill five hundred of their enemies. And that’s just a warm-up – they go on to kill another seventy-five thousand, which is a noticeable spike in activity. I guess he’s trying to make it up to them for briefly passing those anti-Jew edicts. In my last post, I mentioned that the man behind those edicts, Haman, was going to be hanged. As it turns out, he not only gets hanged but gets hanged alongside his ten sons. It’s a real red-letter day for the Jews. I was amazed to learn that this – THIS – was the basis for the holiday Purim, a day of “feasting and GLADness” (early product placement) (Est 9:17). Don’t get me wrong: I’m not in love with soft stance of the New Testament. There’s something in the simplicity and toughness of the “an eye for an eye” rule that appeals to me.

Esther, who has her place in the Bible for championing the Jews, fixes the practice of Purim so that all Jews can celebrate the day they watched a man and his whole family die together.

This Irish baby is confused.

Published in: on January 8, 2012 at 3:54 am  Comments (1)  
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