Like a Rock (Samuel 21-22)

A famine, lasting three years, has struck. This is bad news because studies show that you should eat every two to three hours to optimize your metabolism. But this probably isn’t on the minds of the Israelites. Apparently, this famine is God’s revenge on them for killing most of a tribe of people called the Gibeonites (Gibeonite sounds like a kind of monkey so I think it’s fair to say that they were probably monkeys). To pay penance, David has to sacrifice seven sons to the Gibeonites. Not his own, mind you, anybody’s sons will do. So he grabs five of Merab’s sons and two of Rizpah’s (slightly more variety and you could call it a sacrifice medley). And he hands them over to the Gibeonites who hang them upon a mountain. And they die.

Then the Israelites and the Philistines go to war again in a place called Gob. Some of the Philistines are descended from giants. This is what I love about the Bible: it offhandedly mentions things like giants every now and again without explanation. So giants are a thing. Read on. Anyways, this one giant with six fingers on each hand and six toes on each foot is a ringer and he’s hard for the Israelites to take down. But they manage to do it.

After the battle, David forces everybody to listen to an ode to God that he’s written. On the subject of sensitive guys, I went on this date with this one guy (if you remember my Pizza Pizza story… it’s the same guy) who told me he wrote a lot of poetry. This sent shivers down my spine. Not because I think poetry is lame but because I immediately imagined him trying to read some to me while I squirmed uncomfortably. This is possible my worst nightmare. Don’t get me wrong – I like romance and all that but I prefer that it be wrapped up in some sort of ironic presentation. I guess that makes me part hipster.

David’s ode frequently compares God to a rock, which makes it sound like a Budweiser commercial. It also praises the complete and violent annihilation of one’s enemies, which makes it sound like a communist country’s national anthem.

Is being in a “party frenzy” the same as having rabies?

 

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Published in: on June 18, 2011 at 7:01 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Creepy Ruth (Ruth 1-4)

I got very excited when I realized the next book I’d be reading in the Bible would have a female as its protagonist. Then I saw that it was only four chapters long. Then I saw that her story is basically how she lands herself a man. Very glum indeed.

Ruth was married to one of Naomi’s sons until he died. Ruth winds up saddled with her mother-in-law (uh!) looking for a place to set up shop. The two of them find themselves near some barley and wheat fields where there are a few of Naomi’s kinsmen. This guy Boaz takes a shine to them, in particular. Naomi gives Ruth some advice on how to snag him: “Wash therefore and annoint yourself, and put on your best clothes and go down to the threshing floor; but do not make yourself known to the man until he has finished eating and drinking. But when he lies down, observe the place where he lies; then, go and uncover his feet and lie down; and he will tell you what to do” (Ruth 3:3-4). He certainly will. 

I must admit, the one good piece of advice here is to let the man finish his meal. Personally, I’m not much of a talker when a meal is particularly good, especially when it’s something that requires a lot of chewing, like beef tenderloin. A couple of weeks ago, I ran into this weirdo I went on a date with earlier in the year when I was en route to Pizza Pizza. It’s rare that I have pizza, and I was really looking forward to it. He kept talking and talking, and all I could think about was pizza. Inwardly, I cursed him for delaying the gratification of my pizza craving. He also refused to tell me the name of a jem of a karaoke bar he had been to that night because he “wasn’t sure [I’d] appreciate it”. Then he opened up his arms, offering me an unwanted hug like he was Father Christmas. What a douche. 

Anyways, this little trick of Ruth’s winds up working (even though I think it’s super-creepy) and Boaz takes her as his wife. She has a son by him so, according to biblical standards of female accomplishment, she can die a happy woman.

Published in: on May 30, 2011 at 2:38 am  Leave a Comment  
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