What Every Woman Wants to Hear (Psalms 114-125)

I’ve heard that a big appetite codes for sexual desire in literature (Scarlett O’Hara in Gone with the Wind, for example) but it doesn’t seem to play out in our day and age. Unfortunate for me, because I have a gargantuan appetite and spotty dating history. A couple of nights ago, I was at my boss’ for a barbeque and it took everything ounce of self-control I had in me not to go for the largest steak on offer. I knew that would look greedy and earn me some choice remarks. I went for the second biggest instead, which was approximately the size of my left butt cheek.

This post’s selection of psalms keep coming back to the refrain “[God’s] steadfast love endures for ever”. There’s also an awful lot of criticizing of the author’s enemies. This seems decidedly un-Christian to me but then again, this is the Old Testament, not the touchy-feely New Testament. Psalm 119 goes, “The godless besmear me with lies/but with my whole heart I keep/thy precepts/their heart is gross like fat/but I delight in thy law” (Psalms 119: 69-70).

“Gross like fat”???

Fat is wonderfully delicious!!!

“Gross like poo” would have been much less contentious in my opinion. And it hits harder.

I was genuinely surprised to see fat used negatively in the Bible since last time I checked, the Bible was not written in the 80s, the heydey of low-fat yogurts and Snackwell cookies (barf). I thought fat would be precious food in biblical times – calorie-dense in times of scarcity and tasty to boot. Weird.

I find it odd when folks dissect their meat to avoid the fat. What a waste. I was enjoying some rare lamb chops with a gentleman the other night I was taken aback when he left much of the fat around the cylindrical marrow-filled bone that you typically find in the centre of the chop. I asked, “Are you going to eat that?” (which is the question I ask the most in my life). As I did my borderhouse reach across the table with my fork he asked, “Are you seriously going to eat that?” (which is the question every woman wants to hear).

I ate it anyway and saved the bones from the chops to make a broth. More on that later.

 

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Published in: on July 24, 2013 at 2:26 am  Leave a Comment  
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Judges, directed by Francis Ford Coppola (Judges 2-3)

I’m really liking Judges so far. There’s a lot of action. This is fitting since blockbuster season is fast approaching (Thor anyone? I hear it’s good).

In Judges 2, God gets pretty pissy about the Israelites “play[ing] the harlot” and worshipping other gods, in particular those of the Baals and the Asheroth (Jud 2:17). As a punishment, he takes away their power, leaving them at the mercy of Cushanrishathaim, king of Mesopotamia, who they go on to serve for eight years, and then Eglon, king of Moab, who they serve for eigtheen…

…until they just couldn’t take it anymore…

[read the above in the kind of baritone made possible only by hormone therapy]

A left-handed man (notable) named Ehud steps up for the Israelites, fashions a double-edged sword and requests a private audience with Eglon. Eglon, a very fat man (notable), doesn’t see anything unusual about Ehud asking that all his servants leave the room because he has a “secret message” for him (Jud 3:19). Dumb. Clearly, he has never seen any movie about the mafia. Messages are almost always bad. So here’s what happens: “And Ehud reached with his left hand, took the sword from his right thigh and thrust it into his belly; and the hilt also went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not draw the sword out of his belly; and the dirt came out” (Jud 3:21-22). The dirt came out? Must be a metaphor emphasizing God’s disapproval of the overweight.

Unlike God, I adore the overweight. Particularly in the milieu of reality television. While at my parents’ for Easter, I came across a show that takes compulsive overeaters (also known as fat people), anorexics and bulimics and makes them stay on a ranch called “Shades of Hope” and encourages them to “talk it out”. Jackpot. It’s all overseen by a woman who is clearly not a therapist but is really good at giving hugs and nodding emphathetically. This show is the best because the anorexics and bulimics think the compulsive overeaters are disgusting and the compulsive overeaters think the anorexics and bulimics are crazy. Naturally there is watchable conflict, which is eventually solved by bringing everyone together in what looks like a kindergarten classroom and having them using a lot of “I feel” statements to communicate.

Check this out:

The best part is the shot of the owner of “Shades of Hope” driving a golf cart with purpose (and not setting a good example at all).

Published in: on May 6, 2011 at 8:34 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Recap Episode (Numbers 33-36)

Who would have thought that the Bible would have the equivalent of a recap episode? It does. Numbers 33-36 summarizes what’s happened to Moses and his people thus far. Their flight from Egypt, their travels through strange lands, their silly idol-worshipping, etc, etc. Not much new information comes out other than Aaron’s age when he died on Mount (W)Hor(e): one hundred and twenty-three years old. The recap in Numbers 33-36 did nothing for me emotionally, which is unusual. I remember watching several Lost recap episodes during its run as a show and being reduced to a weepy puddle on the floor. That show really got to me. Who cared that it made absolutely no sense?

Well, there is a passage that clarifies the difference between a murderer and a manslayer (someone who commits manslaughter, I presume). Manslayer seems to me to be female equivalent of ladykiller, a synonym for maneater (whoa-oh…). It talks about all the different ways you can kill someone and be responsible for their death, one example being “…if he stabbed him from hatred, or hurled at him [italics added], lying in wait, so that he died…” (Num 35:20). Hurled at him? “Hurled” is too colloquial to mean “vomited” in this context but I think that it could mean something along the lines of “launched his own person at another, taking him out like a bowling ball knocking down a bunch of pins”. This would be a great way to kill someone if you were a plus-sized person who happened to be quite quick on your feet (I am fascinated by fat people who can move gracefully; I went to see this musical called Assassins recently and was transfixed by a rotund fellow who was unusually crisp in his movements).

Kersplat.

Published in: on March 8, 2011 at 5:09 am  Leave a Comment  
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