What Every Woman Wants to Hear (Psalms 114-125)

I’ve heard that a big appetite codes for sexual desire in literature (Scarlett O’Hara in Gone with the Wind, for example) but it doesn’t seem to play out in our day and age. Unfortunate for me, because I have a gargantuan appetite and spotty dating history. A couple of nights ago, I was at my boss’ for a barbeque and it took everything ounce of self-control I had in me not to go for the largest steak on offer. I knew that would look greedy and earn me some choice remarks. I went for the second biggest instead, which was approximately the size of my left butt cheek.

This post’s selection of psalms keep coming back to the refrain “[God’s] steadfast love endures for ever”. There’s also an awful lot of criticizing of the author’s enemies. This seems decidedly un-Christian to me but then again, this is the Old Testament, not the touchy-feely New Testament. Psalm 119 goes, “The godless besmear me with lies/but with my whole heart I keep/thy precepts/their heart is gross like fat/but I delight in thy law” (Psalms 119: 69-70).

“Gross like fat”???

Fat is wonderfully delicious!!!

“Gross like poo” would have been much less contentious in my opinion. And it hits harder.

I was genuinely surprised to see fat used negatively in the Bible since last time I checked, the Bible was not written in the 80s, the heydey of low-fat yogurts and Snackwell cookies (barf). I thought fat would be precious food in biblical times – calorie-dense in times of scarcity and tasty to boot. Weird.

I find it odd when folks dissect their meat to avoid the fat. What a waste. I was enjoying some rare lamb chops with a gentleman the other night I was taken aback when he left much of the fat around the cylindrical marrow-filled bone that you typically find in the centre of the chop. I asked, “Are you going to eat that?” (which is the question I ask the most in my life). As I did my borderhouse reach across the table with my fork he asked, “Are you seriously going to eat that?” (which is the question every woman wants to hear).

I ate it anyway and saved the bones from the chops to make a broth. More on that later.


Published in: on July 24, 2013 at 2:26 am  Leave a Comment  
Tags: , , , ,

Hope You Like Lamb (Chronicles 2 30)

Hezekiah decides to throw a big party for Passover and invite all of Israel and Judah to celebrate in the house of the Lord. He sends out a lengthy proclamation that is essentially a threat. In it, he implores the invitees: “Do not now be stiff-necked as your fathers were, but yield yourselves to the Lord… that his fierce anger may turn away from you” (Chr 2 30:8). Not exactly straight out of Emily Post’s Etiquette. Well, can I bring anything? How about a fruit platter?  

Lamb, apparently, is the only thing on the menu next to gross, tasteless unleavened bread. I wouldn’t mind that, personally, since lamb falls under the category of “Meats I Never Cook Myself and Shall Always Order if on the Menu”. What’s more problematic is that many of the guests did not sanctify themselves and therefore special arrangements have to be made. Showing up unsanctified to a feast is the biblical equivalent of being that annoying vegan in a restaurant who makes the server go back to the kitchen seventeen times to check on the ingredients in the mayonnaise in their wrap. If it’s real mayonnaise then I can’t have it because it probably has egg but if it’s second-rate mayonnaise then it’s probably canola-oil based and I can have it… can you check with the kitchen to see if your restaurant uses second-rate vegan mayonnaise? Thanks so much! I can make fun of vegans in this way because I used to be one (for eleven [wasted] years).

Because some of the guests are unsanctified upon arrival the Levites (also known as slaves) have to kill extra lambs. What a pain. Surpisingly, the Passover party is a big hit despite the limited menu and Hezekiah keeps it going for an extra seven days. Seven DAYS! This amazes me since I always give myself a little pat on the back everytime I make it past midnight at a party. That’s why I could never live in Montreal. I went to visit my friend Kelly there and couldn’t get over the fact that people only started rolling in at eleven o’clock. But that time I was nearly done. Heavens – I had already had ONE FULL GLASS OF RED WINE.

The only thing silencing this lamb is its own deliciousness.

Published in: on October 19, 2011 at 9:30 pm  Leave a Comment  
Tags: , , , , ,