An Easter Miracle (Job 38-42)

Since Easter is a time of miracles, I’ll mention something I consider to be a miracle: my gargantuan appetite. Here’s what I ate last night at my parents’ place:

– a 16-ounce steak

– 2 large sweet potatoes

– copious amounts of salad and asparagus

– 2 large pieces of cheesecake

– 1 large glass of red wine

Impressive, n’est pas? Even more so considering that I’m shorter than Natalie Portman. I tend to brag about my sizeable appetite fairly openly because I think most women feel like they have to pretend to have a small one in order to appear dainty and feminine, lik Melody Wilkes from Gone with the Wind. I’m starting a dialogue right now and encouraging ladies to “take back the plate,” so to speak. I’m not joking.  

Anyways, I’ve polished off the Book of Job, which culminates with God bragging about all the cool stuff he can do like hasten dawn and call the wind and shit like that. One thing which I thought was worth bragging about was his control over two bad-ass beasts: the Behemoth and the Leviathan (one, the inspiration for a roller coaster and the other, the inspiration for a 1989 underwater horror movie… the best kind of horror movie in my opinion). This is something that the Church should focus on if it wants to remain popular among the youth of today – monsters. More sermons on monsters, for sure.

At the end of the day, God has pity on Job and gives him his life back (and then some) and everyone has a big party for him. I guess that’s good but the guy’s been through a lot and probably has severe post-traumatic stress disorder. I mean, at this point it’s kind of like throwing a pizza party for a Vietnam veteran.

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Published in: on April 8, 2012 at 8:36 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Leviathan Versus Behemoth (Job 3-9)

Not made of stone, Job freaks out, like any normal person would do given his situation. Job “opened his mouth and cursed the day of his birth” (Job 3:1). And how!

Job goes on and on about the day he was born and how it should be consumed by darkness so that it never came to pass at all. It’s such a protracted and poetic speech that I think Job actually believes it’s possible to alter the past. Maybe he believes in time travel. I don’t know. It hasn’t been mentioned in the Bible (yet) but I’ve been suprised by lots of other things (giants, for example).

In the midst of cursing the day he was born, Job does a shout-out to Leviathan, a scary monster. I’m not exactly sure what a Leviathan is, unless we’re counting Thomas Hobbes’ political treatise or the 1989 underwater horror movie (a genre I quite like). I remember watching that movie as a kid. It’s one of those movies in which a crew of misfits has to go do some dangerous task together and things go horribly wrong and they all turn on each other. One of them usually has a stupid nickname; in this case, it’s “6-pack”. Here’s the trailer (best line = “Whatver got 6-pack and Bowman, it’s still out there”):

As far as the biblical creature goes, a Leviathan is a large sea serpent, a much less friendly version of the Loch Ness monster. The etymology is such that the name “Leviathan” comes out of the Hebrew word(s) for twisted, or coiled. Apparently it gets described later on in Job. Reading through some very unreliable online sources, I learned that Leviathan once has a lady friend (aw!) named Taninim but God killed her because if they got around to mating they’d do all kinds of damage. How sad for him. Poor Leviathan. Leviathan will also do battle with another imposing creature called the Behemoth, which is kind of like a large, vicious ox. This would be good to see – evenly matched but very difference strengths, like Alien vs. Predator. I also learned that Leviathan eats exactly one whale per day.

He just wants his lady friend back.

Published in: on January 13, 2012 at 2:25 am  Leave a Comment  
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