Last Night I Dreamt I Went to Manderley Again (Ezra 10)

Well, if Ezra 9 didn’t clinch it, Ezra 10 did. Interracial marriages are not approved of in the Bible. Interracial is a modern term but I think it’s fair to interpret marriages with “foreign wives” as such. In Ezra 10, Ezra is losing his shit over all the marriages Jewish men have made with dirty, foreign bitches. He says, “Therefore let us make a covenant with our God to put away all these wives and their children, according to the counsel of my lord and of those who tremble at the commandment of our God; and let it be done according to the law” (Ezr 10:3). He’s serious: a covenant is being made about this after all.

What is unclear to me is what happens to these foreign wives. They’ve got to go – we know that. But there’s all this talk about “put[ting] them away”. What does that mean? Are they being killed? Or does being “put away” mean that they’ll be committed to a low-securty sanitorium-style facility that is actually quite relaxing and offers fun (and oddly pacifying) arts and crafts?

Don't be a hater.

Published in: on November 2, 2011 at 1:44 am  Leave a Comment  
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Recap Episode (Numbers 33-36)

Who would have thought that the Bible would have the equivalent of a recap episode? It does. Numbers 33-36 summarizes what’s happened to Moses and his people thus far. Their flight from Egypt, their travels through strange lands, their silly idol-worshipping, etc, etc. Not much new information comes out other than Aaron’s age when he died on Mount (W)Hor(e): one hundred and twenty-three years old. The recap in Numbers 33-36 did nothing for me emotionally, which is unusual. I remember watching several Lost recap episodes during its run as a show and being reduced to a weepy puddle on the floor. That show really got to me. Who cared that it made absolutely no sense?

Well, there is a passage that clarifies the difference between a murderer and a manslayer (someone who commits manslaughter, I presume). Manslayer seems to me to be female equivalent of ladykiller, a synonym for maneater (whoa-oh…). It talks about all the different ways you can kill someone and be responsible for their death, one example being “…if he stabbed him from hatred, or hurled at him [italics added], lying in wait, so that he died…” (Num 35:20). Hurled at him? “Hurled” is too colloquial to mean “vomited” in this context but I think that it could mean something along the lines of “launched his own person at another, taking him out like a bowling ball knocking down a bunch of pins”. This would be a great way to kill someone if you were a plus-sized person who happened to be quite quick on your feet (I am fascinated by fat people who can move gracefully; I went to see this musical called Assassins recently and was transfixed by a rotund fellow who was unusually crisp in his movements).


Published in: on March 8, 2011 at 5:09 am  Leave a Comment  
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Watermelons and Canteloupes, Watermelons and Canteloupes (Numbers 13-14)

Moses and his people are on a search for new lands to inhabit. God sends out bunch of spies to check out Canaan for forty days (thorough) and pick up some fruit while they’re at it (it’s grape season). For whatever reason, the spies lie, saying that the Israelites can’t take over the lands because the people who live there are too big and strong and likely wouldn’t take well to being told to vamoose. I think the spies are trying to avoid packing up their stuff and moving, a process which we all hate.

However, one of the spies pipes up and says that the Israelites are indeed capable of overcoming the current inhabitants of Canaan, causing a terrible row among them. Everyone is arguing about this, which pisses off God because apparently he doesn’t like murmuring: “How long shall this wicked congregation murmur against me? I have heard the murmurings of the people of Israel, which they murmur against me.” (Numbers 14:27). I appreciate the deft use nouns and verbs in this passage; murmurings (noun) are without a doubt, murmured (verb). God threatens to kill everyone unless they stop it. If I were directing a re-enactment of this scene – une petite vignette, if you will – I would have all the actors turn back and forth between each other quietly whispering, “Watermelons and canteloupes, watermelons and canteloupes” until God’s booming voice cut in, accusing them of being “out of order”. In my experience, that watermelons and canteloupes trick works well.

Moments later, God softens up a bit and decides just to kill the spies who lied rather than everyone. What a guy.

Published in: on February 23, 2011 at 1:32 pm  Leave a Comment  
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