How to be a Crazy Bitch (Psalms 31-40)

This set of psalms follow the general trend: David thanks God for helping him with stuff while imploring God to punish the people who screw him over. Tattletaling, basically. This comes as no surprise to me since I find that the most Christian-y Christians are pretty darn judgemental (“Okay, maybe eight abortions is one too many”).

All of the psalms have a header and the one atop Psalm 34 caught my eye:

A Psalm of David, when he feigned madness before Abimelech so that he drove him out, and he went away.

In my experience, pretending to be bat-shit crazy is almost always an effective strategy.

Back in the day when I was sort of an actor, I did these lame murder mystery gigs. Long story short, I prop gun fell on my face, leaving me sporting an impressive black eye. I was in a subway station and some jerk-off stepped on the back of my heels because I wasn’t walking fast enough (apparently). When I turned to see what his deal was, I got this: “Walk much?”. Not cool. Since I have whatever the female version of the Napoleon complex is, I decided to double-back and cut him off in front of the subway doors. He. Freaked. Out. While he was screaming at me, I removed my hat to show off my black eye and calmly asked, “Are we gonna do this?” then thrust my sternum quickly upward in what krumpers would call a chest pump. He walked away thinking – I’m assuming – that I was a loose cannon. Check. Mate.


Published in: on June 1, 2013 at 9:35 pm  Leave a Comment  
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You Say Party! God Says Die! (Deuteronomy 30-32)

God’s got some exciting news for Moses: it’s time for him to die. God wants Joshua (who is much more “with it”) to take over leading the Hebrews. Out with the old, in with the new, as the saying goes. Moses, after all, is pushing one hundred and twenty years old and probably keeps telling people the same old boring stories.

To smooth things over, God suggests a sing-a-long. Oh, yes. God imparts a really verbose, drawn-out song to Moses that he should use to bless his people before his death. To give them a pre-show before the main event. There’s no sheet music in the Bible but judging by the amount of pages the song covers, I can imagine that it’s about the same length and cadence of a typical Tori Amos tune. Remember how long her cover of Smells Like Teen SpiritĀ was? It was like, twenty-two minutes long. In case it’s not as fresh in your memory as it is mine, here it is:

Kudos to you if you made it through the whole song. It is painful, painful. I forgot that Tori Amos starts almost every one of her songs with a sharp intake of breath, as if she’s given herself a paper cut. That said, I still adore “Cornflake Girl”.

Anyways, the song that God wants Moses to sing contains tons of threats if the Hebrews don’t obey his commandments and refers to God as – no kidding – “the Rock”. For example: “The Rock, his work is perfect/for all his ways are justice” (Deu 32:4). Have you ever tried to give yourself a nickname? It doesn’t usually work. In high school, I pushed pretty hard for “Tank” because I was suffering from a female version of the Napoleon complex. I was really the only one who ever used it.

Published in: on April 19, 2011 at 1:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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