Will God F*#k Us Over? Natch! (Psalms 71-79)

King David has stepped aside as Psalmster and Asaph has taken his place. Maybe he can breathe some life into the joint. I hope so because I’m bored, yo!  I’ve been finding it difficult to muster a single comment that sounds more engaged than, “That psalm was very interesting”.

But first – who was this Asaph guy anyways? I looked him up in Wikipedia. Apparently, he was the son of Berechiah, one of the Asaphites (and how is that pronounced exactly?) who were a bunch of musicians in Jerusalem temple. Like the biblical equivalent of the Partridge Family or the Jacksons (but probably with more sexual abuse).

Anyways, as Psalmster, Asaph goes on and on about how the wicked are going to get theirs in the end before posing the pointed question of: “Will God fuck us over?”. That’s me paraphrasing, natch. [Sidenote: Not so long ago, I was out on what I thought might have been a date and I could not stop saying “natch” to signal agreement. What’s wrong with me?] This is good. This is the kind of critical thinking that excites good teachers and annoys bad ones. Asaph asks, “Has God forgotten to be gracious?/Has his anger shut up his compassion?” (Psalms 77:9). Cuts right to the core on that one.

Unfortunately, that’s where the critical thinking ends. Asaph rehashes God’s treatment of Moses and his people to provide a context in which God doesn’t look all that bad. Remember the locusts and the frogs and the flies and all that jazz? Remember when he turned the rivers to blood and killed all the first-born in Egypt? C’mon, guys. That stuff was way worse. Sure God gets pissy sometimes but we don’t have it that bad. Hooray for God!

Admittedly, he has an anger problem. But just look at all the nice things he buys me! Isn’t this dining set to die for? 

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Published in: on June 16, 2013 at 10:43 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Not All Child Stars Turn Out to Be Neuroscientists (Chronicles 22-26)

I think that everybody’s got one friend who is lacking in the memory department and insists on telling you the same story multiple times. I feel that the Bible has become that friend to me. I’m positive that I’ve been over some of this stuff before but for whatever reason, it’s being rehashed.

King David is building the house of God but, knowing that he’s getting on in years, passes the task to his son Solomon. Building the house of God is like having Wal-Mart come to your hometown: there are a ton of new jobs for the taking. Builders, officers, judges, gatekeepers and musicians who are supposed to “offer praises to the Lord with the instruments… made for praise” (Chr 23:5). What instruments are made specifically for praise? I’m guessing the oboe’s not one of them.

The sons of Asaph and Heman land the most interesting jobs. They’re tasked with prophesizing with musical instruments; in particular, the lyre, harp and cymbals. I don’t know how they produce prophesies with instruments but I bet it’s kind of like jazz and they can do whatever and no one will question it for fear of looking like an idiot. This is why I laugh at any and all attempts at political humour. Heman, as it turns out, is a seer, although not a bad one. There’s a fuzzy line in the Bible when it comes to the business of seeing into the future. Sometimes it’s sinning and sometimes it’s not. Whatever. Heman has fourteen sons and three daughters and all of them are musically gifted so Heman is put in charge of turning them into a biblical version of “The Partridge Family”. Terrible idea. It’s definite that one will develop a substance abuse problem while another will develop an eating disorder. Child stars rarely mature into well-adjusted adults, with the exception of Blossom.

Fierce.

Published in: on September 5, 2011 at 11:39 pm  Leave a Comment  
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